Proper tights are there for your legs. They provide the sort of support I imagine a hug from Emma Thompson would. No-nonsense, caring, quietly chic. They are your port in an unshaven storm, a friend for your favourite dress on a cold winter’s day.
But, just like any such friend, they have real potential to ruin your life.
Here are but a few ways they can fuck with you:
1. Toe hole
A rogue digit in a pair of ankle boots is a misery that plagues the modern woman. If you don’t have access to a department store, it’s a sure-fire day ruiner. Try as you may to engage in frothy conversation in the office, all you can think about is that tiny cold circle of flesh pressing against the sole of your shoe. If the rogue digit happens to be a pinky toe, you might be sent into a tailspin of discombobulation. Try and keep it together, but if the evenness of your foot situation is really getting to you, you may feel tempted to fashion them into footless tights, or tie them into knots at the bottom of your shoe. I would not recommend either of these solutions.
READ MORE: A Few Thoughts That Go Through Your Head When Rediscovering Your Winter Wardrobe
2. Flat bum
As a girl who isn’t blessed with a naturally bodacious booty, tights are a double-edged sword. On the one hand, they make my legs feel safe, like a pair of weighty burritos in foil casing. Risk of audible thigh slap? Zero. How do the backs of your legs feel on a leather seat? Slidey! Good! Unfortunately, the resultant restriction on a flabby arse is a sorry sight. To counteract this problem I once cut two ass holes in a pair of tights to set my cheeks free. Really hard to explain that in a strong wind.
3. Erotica
You may only be a gusset away from wearing stockings and suspenders, but believe you me, tights are a very different animal. If you’ve ever tried to get up to any monkey business through the taut gusset of a pair of 80 deniers you will have found out the hard way that they provide a trampoline effect, much like a chastity belt. There’s then, of course, the agony of how and when to remove a pair of tights mid-coitus. Do you leave them sagging around the knees like a squaddie’s bit on the side in a gritty ITV drama, or do you have them peeled off your hairy legs like gothic bandages? Once they’re off it might be worth remembering if you’ve filled in all the holes in your tights by colouring in your legs with a Sharpie. I mean who would do that, really? :/
4. But, when?
There is undoubtedly no more torturous time of year than the interim period between summer and autumn. It might be grey outside, but wearing a pair of woolly pantyhose on a balmy day is the fashion equivalent of wearing a T-shirt in the sea. It will arouse enormous suspicion that you are hiding a birthmark and you will feel weird and all day.
READ MORE: Here’s How To Make Your Summer Wardrobe Work For Autumn Too
5. Elastication woes
Because there are pretty much only three sizes of tights, getting the size wrong is v. likely. Too loose and you’re in danger of pulling a Nora Batty in the middle of Oxford Street. Too tight and you’ll be having ‘dignity line’ issues. If this is all Henry Holland intentional, then fine, but the thigh garter on a pair of Marks and Sparks finest isn’t going to get any pulses racing. Is there any greater indignity than a failing elastic on a cheap pair of tights? If I do ever end up damned to eternal Hell (and they give you outfits), mine will probably be a pair of Primark tights with the waistband rolling slowly down my bottom.
6. That lone stone
Actually, if Satan’s handing out tights down there, then my guess is they will also be issued with a tiny piece of gravel loose in the foot. You would spend your days undressing, shaking the stone out, only to find it still in there when you put them back on.
7. Nude tights
No. Just no. Tan tights were invented when women’s legs were ravaged by smallpox or something. Now they must be cut into a thousand pieces and used to make handy bird feeders or scary masks for gangster films. Apparently, there’s a big market for nudies in the world of porn which is a bit perplexing, espesh when Queenie is such a fan. If you are over 60 and reading this then, you go gurl! If you are not, then don’t need them now. You are not Mrs Doubtfire. Don’t you dare sit down next to me on the tube and let your nudies wrinkle at the knees because I will be sick.
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Follow Lucy on Twitter @lucyannhancock
Picture: Lukasz Wierzbowski
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.