You’re two days back into work, your skin is terrible from Christmas boozing, your body is the shade of uncooked prawns, and you couldn’t feel further away from wanting to wear a bikini. But the VS girls are already back in force after their London show in December, serving up the SS15 swim collection in a new campaign for you to scrutinize with green eyes.
With the tagline ‘The bikinis are teenier, the straps are strappier, the cuts are cheekier’ comes a slow-mo video that shows off the bods and bikinis on offer from the likes of Behati Prinsloo, Candice Swanepoel and Lily Aldridge. While there are plenty of pretty practical pieces in the summer collection, some of the key pieces shot for the campaign left us with a few questions...
Will That Cheeky Handkerchief Stay Up If you Have Big Boobs?
Bahati’s air-tunnel designed figure doesn’t exactly need much more than a napkin to cover up the vital bits, but I’m dubious as to whether big bosoms can really be bolstered by a floaty kahki tissue, as boho-cute as it is. I recommend for C cups or less.
Bikini top, £38, bottoms, £15
Will You Get Stuck In The Jacuzzi Jets?
This tasselled number is seriously sexy. It’s like having two whips tied to your hips. While Candice looks effortlessly elegant, we do warn against wearing this too close to the bubbly bits in your jacuzzi, for fear of lodging yourself in the jets. Probably best to avoid anything along the lines of jet-skis, banana boats and any other water-based machinery you don’t want to be dragged along by.
Swimsuit, £72
**Will Your Meet-In-The-Middle Boob Look As Good As Behati’s? **
Ah the sensual middle-meet boob. A hard look to pull off without looking like you’re clamping down your breasts in case they escape. This asymmetric bikini gives you a good shot at it. Sadly if you’re small of chest this central window is more likely to emphasise that fact, but it’s a sassy option if you’re confident in your cleavage cinching.
Bikini top, £28, bottoms, £25
Will You Look Like You’ve Bleached Strange Spiderwebs Into your Tan?
There’s a fundamental choice when it comes to swimwear - are you trying to look good with it on, or once it’s taken off? Never the two shall meet. Pick a strappy number that might seduce the pool boy, and as soon as you take it off you will have griddle lines like a chicken breast. With this printed one-piece, at least the lines will be on your back. That’s all I’m saying.
Swimsuit, £45
**Will You Look Ridiculous If You Wear A Diva Swimsuit? **
I’ve bought diva swimsuits. You know the kind, they’re plunging and self important and look like they’re not intended to go anywhere near still, chlorinated waters. Let alone actual moving waves that could wash them off. But as I don’t swim, that’s never been an issue - it’s more that I often feel like a pillock sitting around a pool with mothers and babies and stray cats while I do my best Beyonce bikini impression. If you’ve got more balls than me, then check out this deep front black number.
Swimsuit, £65
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.