So the bad news is, you can probably conclude by now that you’re not going to be invited to London Fashion Week. On account of it already having started. The bastards.
We will assume that your invites, and my invites, have all been carelessly lost by their respective designers’ assistants – probs having some kind of Devil Wears Prada-ish issues of their own, the poor loves.
But the good news is that with a little knowhow and a lot of deceptive social media, you can fool everyone into believing you’re at fashion week from the comfort of your own sofa. Which is, when you think about it, a guaranteed seat on the FROW every time! When you REALLY think about it.
So as that other stylish outsider, David Bowie, once sang: fashion! Turn to the left! Now grab a pen, turn back round and write this down. Ready?
1. Instagram your kit
All those late nights, early starts and chilly warehouse venues in February make fashion week roughly on a level with your average primary school as a breeding ground for lurgy. So assemble some Berocca, echinacea, First Defense, Nurofen, Pro Plus, Scholl bunion cushions and a copy of Vogue on your duvet, snap it and caption it, enigmatically, 'Essential kit.' People can draw their own conclusions.
2. Be late
If there’s one thing we all know about catwalk shows, it is that they never start on time. That’s where we get the famous phrases 'fashionably late,' 'a stitch in time saves wine,' and 'time flies when you’re having fashion.'
So to fake it like a frow pro, head to Twitter and join in on any whinges you can find about late-starting shows. 'Argh, was waiting so long for Mary Katrantzou I nearly slipped into a David Koma!'
(They don’t need to know you were waiting out back, by the bins).
3. Learn to pronounce Mary Katrantzou
Seriously, it’ll help.
4. Be in a cab
Despite them being no.34 on the list of efficient ways to get round central London (just below ‘hoverboard’, ‘pigeon’ and ‘disguising oneself as a Deliveroo order’), fashion week always involves taking taxis. So fool your followers that you’re perpetually en route as well as en vogue, by taking a series of selfies looking very bored in the back of a black cab.
If you can’t stretch to a black cab, an Uber will do – but crop it closer. If you can’t stretch to an Uber, crop it so you can’t see anything beyond your ears and just write “another day, another traffic delay!!!” beneath it for emphasis.
Find some cobbles. Stand on the cobbles.
It’s a well-known fact that fashion shows are always held on the most unsuitable kind of surface for fashion people in heels. This is to force everyone to walk slowly and uncertainly, like a herd of knock-kneed baby gazelles.
So locate some cobbles in front of an anonymous wall somewhere, and get your PA/lover/mum to snap in your most outré ensemble (shaggy marabou poncho, magenta shellsuit, hiking socks, espadrilles) so you can subtly tag it #LFW – which isn’t really lying, because it is fashion week and you’re in London. Or Luton.
Ludworth, wherever.
5. Rush about clutching a promotional beverage
Find one with charcoal in it, or birch sap. Or turmeric. Maybe placenta. It’s fine, you don’t actually have to drink it.
6. Forget how to wear a coat
Your choices are: don’t put your arms in it; do put your arms in it but from the front, like a painting overall; wear a small coat over a much larger coat; wear a large coat over a much smaller coat; wear no coat at all, but instead substitute a ‘free Prosecco’ jacket. As they’re invisible, nobody will be able to tell you’ve had no free Prosecco
7. Throw your tights away
The surest way to convince everyone you are something to do with Fashion Week, and not just an unfortunate, goosepimpled woman who snagged her 30 deniers on one too many rustic wooden coffee shop benches.
After all, “Bare gams? Bare ’grams!” is the unofficial motto of the street style photographers’ guild.
8. Acquire a lanyard
Nothing makes you look as much of an insider as a good lanyard. Any lanyard – the one from that conference your work sent you on in 2009, with ‘FASHION PASS! ACCESS ALL FASHION!” scribbled on it in marker pen will do. Just let the corner of it sneak into your #ootd selfie and let everyone imagine you might be helping to adjust Kendall Jenner’s tit tape later.
9. Say what you see
Ain’t technology a marvellous thing? These days you can stream all the major shows online [http://www.londonfashionweek.co.uk/live.aspx], so live tweeting them as though you’re actually there is #easier #than #ever.
But if your broadband isn’t up to it, or you have (horror) an actual job to pretend to be doing, just limit yourself to vague, mono-word comments. 'Structure!' is a safe one. So is 'bold choices!' Or 'playful! Yet solemn…' Or 'contrasting textures,' there are always contrasting textures. Keep it short and sweet.
Actually, write 'short and sweet!' as well. You could be referring to the hemlines, the length of the show or what Anna Wintour is like in real life.
10. Memorise the big ticket items
Here’s your NTK: The fash pack is waiting with bated breath for Mulberry’s return after three years away, with new creative director Johnny Coca. Then there’s Alexander McQueen’s first London show in 14 years, rumours of an ‘intimate’ Kanye performance being unleashed at some point, and Natalia Vodianova and Karlie Kloss’s Fashionable Fund Fair, where the glitterati will do adorable things with candy floss for charity. Learn about these things. Everything else is just filler.
11. If all else fails, go to Paris immediately afterwards
Quick, get on the Eurostar! They can’t prove anything.
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
London Fashion Week Parties: How To Blag Your Way In Like A Champ
We Try all The Best Stuff On In Topshop For Fashion Week So You Don't Have To
Follow Lauren on Twitter @laurenbravo
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.