The Oscars 2015 Red Carpet: If Dresses Could Talk

'Lime green, beading, sheer panels, full length… I sound like a complete disaster, don't I? But when Em is your wearer you could be bloody anything and still look fabulous. Doesn’t she just look DARLING in me? Elie Saab got me oh so right.'

'Who said navy and black were a no no? Whoever it was had clearly never met me and thankfully, Oscar de la Renta didn’t listen.'

'That’s right, I’m a big and beautiful Sarah Burton for Alexander McQueen creation. It is Flick’s first Oscar nom so had to look the part. I’m just hoping she doesn’t do a JLaw and trip over my, pretty large, bottom.'

'You were totally expecting me to be grey weren’t you? But that would have been FAR too obvious. I’m red, the colour of lust (duh). There was some rope left over on set too so they whacked it on me for the lols.'

'I think Valentino must have been high on Disney when he made my couture self because I look like I’ve just fallen out of a fairy tale. My girl Keira's got the best-dressed bump around, for sure.'

'I might be feminine, floral and fish-tail, so pretty much classic Marchesa, but the navy and gold keep me a little edgy – just right for my popstar wearer. Make me in white and that’s Rita’s wedding dress sorted.'

'I took the night’s red theme and ran with it, because if anyone isn’t afraid of a satiny full length, high-neck, flowing red dress with a train (pause for breath), it’s Solange, she's not afraid of anything.'

'Let me tell you pearls aren’t just for your Nan anymore. Nope, Mr Klein and I are bringing them back. Oh and Lupita deserves some kind of award for just wearing me because, I won’t lie, I’m pretty damn heavy.'

'It took 25 people at house of Alaïa 10 weeks to make me so look I’m a pretty big deal. The gloves? Gaga grabbed them from the sink on our way out.'

'I may not be red or big or generally IN YA FACE, but less is more, right? My master Tom Ford says so. Black and white with a Bardot neckline… Reese and I pretty much owned the carpet tonight, even if I do say so myself.'

'Plunging neckline? Check. Sheer sleeves? Check. What I lack in colour I totally make up for in sass. I am Saint Laurent after all. And have you SEEN Margot’s new bob? We’re just meant to be together.'

'As I’m sure you know, Miuccia Prada is a pretty solid seamstress. That’s how she was able to fashion me out of some 70s Cath Kidston’s living room curtains. Her thrifty inventiveness never ceases to amaze me.'

'Ok, I might be slightly string-vest-esque, but I’m actually Dior baby so I can pretty much do anything I like. Plus, apparently if you wear white to the Oscars you’re 36% more likely to win an award - so Marion consider me you're lucky charm.'

'And the award for dress most closely resembling a rose goes to…ME. Next stop, Best Actress for Roz. And if she misses out, at least she’s got me making her look smoking all night. You’re welcome, R.'

'Pitch Perfect? More like peach perfect, right? RIGHT? Anna wanted sleek and chic so and here I am… A Thakoon creation, with keyhole cut-out and crystal detail to stop me from being too too simple.'

'Okay, you’ve got me, I am the dancing red lady emoji IRL dress form, just with a simpler top. Give it a few hours and Doris will be busting the same flamenco moves as her too…'