The Oscars 2014 Red Carpet: If Dresses Could Talk

’I told her not to fall over in this one. She, er, did. After two minutes.’

‘Naomi wanted white and virginal in a dress so I gave her that. But then she added that Something About Mary hair’

'Cate said I was heavy but she loves me. That's a result, in my book.'

'Who says you can't wear black on the red carpet? You can when it's Dior. And PS: everyone's talking about my illusion straps.'

'You saw enough of Amy's body in American Hustle. I'm her demure alternative'

'I didn't want anyone else to be able to wear a sequin. So I stole every single one and put it on Angelina's dress'

'A pearl encrusted shrug. Who doesn't need one of those over your Oscar dress?'

'Last year it was all about Anne Hathaway's nipples in her Prada dress. So this year we stuck with the power breasts theme.'

'I'm Vera Wang, not Jane Norman circa 1997. Promise.'

'Lace was always going to be divisive, but I'm fine with the fact that there are some haters out there. Julia's smiling. So everything's OK with me.'

'Sally has said she picked me in just five minutes. And you can see why, right? Smug face'

'Some people might say I'm boring, but when the woman wearing me has just scored £70m for Gravity, she can do what she wants. The end.'

'It's Lupita's Oscars, so she can wear a Princess Prada dress if she wants to. And a headband, too.'Pictures: Getty