Poor Elijah in* Girls*. The Season 3 finale saw him in formal shorts whilst attending the opera and the clear butt of the joke. Again, a man in shorts equals the punchline to a sartorial gag. Not that I’m surprised. Aside from mixing stripes and spots, men in shorts is the faux pas that even your gran knows. But I’m calling time on it. It’s about time men had ‘knee-quality’. Yeah, you heard me – that’s equality for our knees.
Man legs, like gnarled tree roots, acquire disdain in public, whilst ladies’ knees make an appearance at every formal event. Women in shorts are never held back from anywhere. You see them at weddings, nightclubs, boardrooms, as well as on their natural habitat of the beach. You could paper a house with the pictures of female celebrities doing shorts well (a fun endeavour, which I would recommend) – Kate Moss, Rihanna, Cara. Tapered, well-cut, acres of bare tanned leg cascading downwards.
Aside from Pharell at the Oscars in his ‘shorts-Tuxedo’ – and let's face it, he has enough cool points to wear what he wants – I can think of only two men who regularly wear bare legs in public outside of the gym and that's Will.I.Am and Kanye. And they are usually some sort of hybrid, androgynous kilts that are so fashion-forward that no-one dares comment, let alone even understand them. Even Tom Ford once declared, ‘A man should never wear shorts in the city. They should only ever be worn on the tennis court or beach.’ What a cop out. Instead of hiding behind his sunglasses range, Ford should turn his exceptional skills to making a masculine, tapered short that men could wear without prejudice. Come on Ford, I’ll be your hamster! Maybe.
Even Tom Ford once declared, ‘A man should never wear shorts in the city’
In a recent moment of bad judgement I decided to jog to a house viewing a mile away from the house. Having viewed a stack of unsuitable, wildly expensive places, I thought it was barely worth throwing on some jeans. Arriving bare-legged, I suddenly realised – queue snaking around the door – that it was a group viewing. I stood with fresh-from-the-office suits and their wives, my milk bottle knees getting more attention than any of the fittings. ‘Never mind looking for damp, look at this sex creep in shorts,’ their eyes seemed to be saying. It was as if I was naked; my knees some grotesque piece of genitalia.
Eqaually, on the set of a film waiting to interview an actor, I saw a crowd scene extra being told, ‘Go put on some trousers, your legs are distracting!’ The shame as he skulked off to the side of the set and had his offending garment dragged off him by the over-zealous wardrobe department. Another chap wore shorts in my old job and got sent home by the boss. It was as if, with his knees running wild and free, he’d be unable to work properly – or even answer his phone. Aside from the funny looks, it's the practicalities of wearing them that keep the smart short kept folded in the draw. Do you wear them with a belt? Do you tuck in or not? Can you wear a jacket with one? Then you can never get more than one pocket item – phone, keys, wallet – without having your particulars squashed each time you sit down. Too short and they look like hot pants, too long and they look like belated teen rebellion. Just beyond the knee and they become pedal pushers.
It was seared into my mind that wearing shorts was less masculine. That somehow, a bit of exposed calf, made you less good at talking to girls
Every man knows – unless it is 40 degrees outside – you can expect extreme piss taking if you’re the first in your group to wear shorts. I’ve even had mates ring me to ask if I am wearing shorts to the pub on scorching days. The theory being that if more than one of us wore them it was harder to be ridiculed. The only person I knew who ever wore shorts each day, was a lad at lower school called Jeremy. Each break time, other lads would hoik their trousers up and dance around him – mimicking the skinny cut of his own leg wear – shouting his name and trying to kick his shins.
From then on, it was seared into my mind that wearing shorts was less masculine. That somehow, a bit of exposed calf, made you less good at fighting and talking to girls. It doesn't help that so much of my short experiences were absurd. Giant Bermuda shorts on holiday; a pair of PE shorts that seemed to magically follow me through all four years of junior school; hastily cut-off jeans that made you look like a bush man. Apart from sports, no man ever looks back on a pair of shorts with anything other than embarrassment.
Apart from during sports, no man ever looks back on a pair of shorts with anything other than embarrassment
It was once very regal to wear short lengths – look at any painting of Henry VIII, Charles I or Sir Francis Drake and they are always in shorts with tights or socks. In fact, it was the downtrodden working man who wore long trousers. Somehow over centuries this has flipped. In fact, growing into trousers is a sort of rite of passage. Traditionally, all baby boys start off in gowns, then grow into shorts, then finally into proper trousers. The arrival of hems to the ankle is an arrival of manhood – and any move back up the leg is a regression in years. Perhaps it is because our ostentatious manliness can’t possibly be contained in tiny shorts – it needs a whole seamed leg to keep the beast within.
If that’s the truth, then I think we are lying to ourselves. It took about three centuries for male tennis players to be able to wear anything other than trousers – you can imagine how long it will take before men get to wear them at a summer wedding.
Follow Andy on Twitter @andyjoneswrites
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.