Ah, autumn. The crunch of the leaves, the smell of the air, the menacing piano in the Downton Abbey titles music. There’s no time quite as magical. But with the turn of the season comes a plethora of new fashion dilemmas such as: why are all my tights laddered? Where on your head are you actually meant to put a beret? And, of course, the admin of the glove.
Now, I know this is an area that has been discussed and analysed in rich depth, but just in case you don’t get a chance to get to a reference library, I’ve collated the most urgent points raised by different glove schools of thought over the years for you to keep in mind during these colder months.
READ MORE: A Few Thoughts That Go Through Your Head When Rediscovering Your Winter Wardrobe
As such, please find herewith six problems faced when rediscovering gloves.
1. Mitten dressed as lamb?
If you decide to go for a warm glove – the fuzzy, woolly kind – your options are fairly limited. You either go with the traditional, knitted five-fingered glove or a mitten. Both of these do the job, but both can make you feel like a four-year-old, which is a bit creepy. Especially when you wave enthusiastically or drink from any brightly coloured plastic cup.
2. The driving gloves dilemma
The grown-up option. Every year you think you’re ready for it, yet every year you chicken out. ‘What about a chic suede driving glove?’ you think, as you peruse the shelves of John Lewis. ‘No, no. Too Alan Partridge. Hmm. What about one of these lovely leather ones?’ No, that won’t do either, you look like a dominatrix bride on Camden High Street on her goth-themed wedding day.
**3. iPhone incompatibility **
There’s nothing like wearing a pair of gloves to really hammer home just how often you’re checking your phone. Every time you go to refresh your emails, Twitter, Facebook or check on the current price of that silly (amazing) neon personalised bar sign on eBay, you have to remove your glove so that your hand meets its icy fate.
I think, hopefully, if you do this enough, you will come to associate the chaffing pain of freezing cold wind on your hand with checking Facebook. If this goes to plan, come spring, you would have completely weaned yourself off all social media.
**4. Frostbite vs starvation **
Yes, you do want a Percy Pig, but no, you don’t want to take your mitten off and get a cold hand. Plunging your glove into a communal bag of food is not the done thing – have you taken a look at how grimy it is? Take off your glove and whack it against a wall and look at how much dust and filth comes off it. You mustn’t touch your face with it too often, either. Oh God, this is another point, but I’ve run out of space for points. We’ll call it a sub point.
**4a. The glove gets very dirty **
Well, that’s all I have to say about that really.
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**5. The gifted glove **
The glove is the gift of choice for birthdays and Secret Santas, due to its universal need and the fact you don’t have to ask for the person’s size pre-purchase. The problem is, the gifted glove also demands an outing as it’s not like a pair of pants or a rubbish candle where you can lie about using it all the time. If you like a pair of gloves, you have to wear a pair of gloves, no excuses. So if you’re given an extremely horrid lilac pair with flower and lace detailing, you’re going to have to wear them at least once in front of the buyer to avoid causing offence.
**6. Goodbye my glover **
Like it’s second cousin the sock, the absence of one glove ruins it for the pair of them. Peak glove-wearing time is December, the month of daily drinking and relentless parties, so it’s also highly likely you will lose one while passed out in the back of a cab or mid-coitus in a coat cupboard. But courage, mon brave. If luck is on your side, Karen from HR would have bought you a lilac pair with flower and lace detailing, so just hold out for Secret Santa.
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Picture: Punk Royal Tiger
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.