**1. It begins.... **
And as if our thoughts were read, Groupon pops into our inbox with a £10 offer for a 'Viva la Vag! - Vegas Strip Special.' Never mind that the small print says 'full price for all those who don't have blonde pubes' or the fact that the 'clinic' is above a chicken shop in Hackney, we think it's a bargain and trot off to have our follicles traumatised by a 'beautician' who looks like Attilla the Hun. Every thieving time, Groupon! Lucky for you, we'll never learn.
**2. In the pink... **
Stripped naked, your poor Bettyboopshaloop spends a few days blushing, in want of a fig leaf. Bumpy, blotchy and bald, it screams at you - 'you're not showing me to anyone!!' This is the time you need to show her some affection: creams, shade and cotton underwear. She'll play ball in a few days. I'm going to stop talking about vagina's like people now. Because it's vomit inducing.
3. Footloose and fancy-free...
For the golden period of approx two weeks (if you're lucky) you've got it made. You cross and uncross your legs with reckless abandon and steal into the office bathrooms for a quick fingertip swipe along your silky smooth skin. You smile and think "Hell, I could cartwheel down Oxford Street in hotpants and not one stray hair would sway in the breeze." Enjoy the short-lived liberation of a polished pantyline: it's all downhill from here.
**4. Regrowth **
Waiting for the appropriate length to re-wax, we're faced with the awkward stages of regrowth. First, the 'grandad's bald patch' - mini vertical pinpricks only direct sunlight would catch. Then, the stage, Hannah, 25, describes as 'when it grows sparsely with no form - like someone covered your down-below in superglue and blew an upturned palm of pubeshavings onto it - and then some of them stuck. Yeah it's softer than shaving regrowth but it just looks WEIRD.'
5. Quick Fix
The grown up, sensible thing is to do is wait patiently. As your mama always said: 'If you stick to this waxing bizzo, my girl, you'll eventually never have to do it again.' Mama obviously never had a 3am panic after inviting Nick from Foxtons back after a vodka-fuelled night at SW4. After deliberately leaving ourselves unkempt to act as a deterrent against promiscuity with estate agents - here we are again - sitting on the side of the bath, fashioning a wonky landing strip only fit for a drunk pilot.
**6. Stubble **
Here we plunge headlong into shaving-related itching, scratching and ingrown hairs. Like an addiction that needs fed every two to three days, we're hooked on Gilette. Even though the entire area looks like a giant squashed strawberry we think 'ok just one more time and THEN I'll let get back on the waxing band wagon....' This state of mind lasts longer than we ever intend - as the memory of excruciating pain is still frighteningly fresh in our minds.
7. Au Naturel
Growing the half inch necessary for a wax can easily get out of hand. It's easy to get attached to your minge rug and start channelling a 70's porn star, 60's flower girl or primal sexual cavewoman. Use it! A mega-bush is a great prop for the vajazzlement of any sexy roleplay situation. You may very well get hooked on playing Tarzan and Jane and decide to have your bush for keepsies. - if that's the case, invest in some boardshorts for the beach.
NB: see Jenna Jameson's biography: How to Make Love Like a Porn Star for some great grooming tips (specifically how to get rid of razor rash) and also for good advice should you want to go into the porn industry.
Follow Madeleine on Twitter @missmadeleinek
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Illustration: Eugenia Loli
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.