I worked it out how many Septembers have been and gone since I left school today. And, because it’s been so long, it took me a long time to work out. Maths is not my forte.
Anyways, there’s been 10 – 10 – whole Septembers since I did the whole WH Smith trolley dash for Purple Ronnie three-ring binders and gel pens, 10 Septembers since I went to Clarks to stick my feet in that fun machine that measured, and at the same time threatened to crush, your feet, and 10 Septembers since you pricked your fingers a thousand times trying to sew in little name badges to your PE kit before giving up and passing the task over to your mum.
In those 10 Septembers, though, I haven’t quite managed to learn that, come the second week of September, I’m not going back to school. Instead, I will instead get up on Monday and again head into the same office building I’ve been heading into weekly for the past five years.
Not that this stops me from going on an early September ‘back to school’ shop. You totally do one too. You just don’t realise.
Here’s what you buy in September, because you just can’t handle the fact that you don’t still go to school.
A nice pair of sensible shoes
Because the law says that shoe shops are legally only allowed to sell brogues and/or tassel loafers during September. It’s written in an ancient creed from the Medieval times that also denotes the necessity of going to Marks & Spencers to buy lingerie and nowhere else. Srsly, though – how preppy is the shoe selection around this time? It’s like Office, Clarks and ASOS have banded together to turn your feet into budget versions of Blair Waldorf’s. Nevertheless, you dutifully invest in a sturdy pair of brown or black leather (or as near a synthetic material as your budget can afford) and bugger off down the road with your newly infantilised feet.
A kilt
EVERY YEAR. Even when kilts and tartans don’t come close to fitting in with aesthetics that a particular autumn ‘look’ requires, someone, somewhere stocks a red pleated one in their store and the fashion magazines spew forth a bevy of unending fashion stories on ‘the return of Anglomania’, ‘why Cher Horowitz is your style icon’, and ‘back to school skirts you don’t want to miss’. Team with knee-high socks and your silly sensible shoes (see above) for maximum impact.
A PE kit
Or, whatever the adult version of it is. Probably leggings and a sports bra from Primark. Because just as January is a time for ‘NEW YEAR NEW YOU’, you still see September as time to turn over a new leaf in time to start the school year off right. Ergo the attempts at self-betterment by joining the gym. In truth, the dates of the new school year haven't affected me in years but like fuck if I’m going to only let the kids have their fresh start attempts twice a year.
A ‘nice jumper’
Because the knitwear industry is a beast of a marketing giant and will 900% destroy anyone that doesn’t prepare for the upcoming, marginally cooler weather by purchasing an itchy wool jumper that’ll bring you out in itchy stress hives three minutes after you put it on. Jumpers are horrible, and there’s no such thing as ‘a nice jumper’, no matter what Marks & Spencers and your mum wants you to believe. They’re hot and sweaty, and now you’re not forced to wear them like you were at school, you don’t need one.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.