I have a massive head. It’s my dad’s fault. He has a massive head. My mother warned me never to make babies with a man with a massive head because of excruciating childbirth.
That is the best advice she has ever given me other than, ‘Don’t use water to put out an electrical fire,’ She shouted this at me mid-water-chuck over a flaming toaster. whilst it was good advice it was a bit late. At least the baby making advice had forewarning.
I digress, back to my noggin: it’s huge. At uni, I spent most of my loan installments at Topshop then lived on porridge and vodka for the remainder of the month. This diet shat all over the 5:2 in terms of weight loss. I dropped about 1st, was pasty, malnourished and gained the nickname Lollipop. Bobbing about looking very much like I would topple over in a gentle breeze – very much head first – this nickname was apt.
And like any nickname a girl acquires, with it I gained hypersensitivity and super awareness. I know I’m not the only one who feels like this. A quick search on the internet revealed forums dedicated to discussions on large head circumference. Some people were worried it meant they were autistic, some were transparently fishing for compliments about being more intelligent and then getting slammed down, some realised that it was just a genetic physical trait – like big noses – that they needed to embrace.
And we do need to embrace our bonces – be grateful for the fact we will never be missed in a crowd or group photo. Let us seek solace from the first series of Entourage and Turtle's wise words: ‘The bigger the head, the bigger the star.’
This isn’t to say it isn’t without it’s frustrations. No-one wants to be disproportionate. ‘Dressing for our figures’ is usually a balancing act of accentuating certain parts of our body and hiding others in the pursuit of proportion.
Problem is, a bottom heavy woman might be advised to wear dark trousers and colourful tops, to distract attention from her hips. A head-heavy woman can't wander around in balaclavas and colourful scarfs – it’s just not the way it works – so what other little tips are there?
Obvious Number 1. With a large head there is no wandering into Marks & Spencers to buy an off-the-rack hat. Whatever type of hat, they will either balance on top of your head, or have to be jammed down, creating a deep forehead furrow. Even baseball caps – they may have adjustable straps but the actual hat/cloth bit is never deep enough for a truly large head. Sadly there isn’t much of a solution to this problem. If it’s a necessity for a wedding, you’ll need to splash the cash at a milliners or choose from a small selection of XXL jobbies. If you are lucky enough to find a hat that will just about fit, then it is always advisable to go with as wide a brim as you can get away with.
Stay away from turtlenecks. They are not your friends. Especially turtlenecks that have been starched stiff in smarter shops. Apparently women with a lot of money to spend on clothes also have pinheads and long slender necks. Danny, 25, remembers a fateful trip to purchase a turtleneck. ‘I was hungover at the time, which didn't help as I had no pulling energy and after practically strangling myself, I just sat crying with my head stuck in the bloody thing. I was too embarrassed to ask the woman outside for help and had to actually calm myself down before starting another tug session. I have NEVER tried to wear one again.’
With big heads come big faces and sunglass designers have never looked kindly on women with big faces. They don’t seem to care about us, bobbing about, blinded by the sun bashing into lamp posts because absolutely NO sunglasses suit us. Even 1960s oversized glasses aren’t wide enough. Luckily Lucy, 27, found a solution: I discovered men’s sunglasses last year and it changed my life. The selection isn’t great, but I’d rather have a plain pair of sunglasses that fit my face than diamond frames that make me look like I’m wearing swimming googles.’
Whilst it may seem counterintuitive, the larger your face, the larger your hair must be. Plastering hair to a sizeable scalp in a tight bun or ponytail, will only expose the true surface area. Grace, 22, has a big curly main she maintains to disguise her head size. ‘Whenever I straighten my hair, my head looks like a bowling ball whereas when I leave it big and curly, people comment on my hair almost as if it's a separate entity to me – like a wild animal living on my head. Also, I can hide my cheeks behind it!’ she tells us.
Look to your shoulders to balance out your bonce. You can do this by wearing tailored, angular tops, or by adding small simple shoulder pads to your shirts. This will a) look great, and b) encourage the ’80s revolution you will need for your big hair anyway.
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Illustration: Marina Esmeraldo
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.