Dear Fashion Industry,
Please stop dictating that 99.9% of all summer clothes should be made without sleeves. It makes no sense, and it makes me panic in clothing shops. And no, don't you dare tell me that it's hot and so we should have our arms out. Who are you, the Arm King? Maid of Arms? No matter how toned I am, or how confident I am while untoned after eating cake for three weeks and not giving a flying humerus (that's the upper arm bone – I'm very clever), I won't get my arms out without a fight. That fight being either extreme drunkenness or lying on a beach. Or an actual fight, because I am woeful with conflict. What I'm saying is, if you fight me, I'll probably get my arms out through all the crying, but the main point is: I don't want to.
Why? Because my upper arms will forever remain inflatable, no matter how many bicep curls I (don't) do. It's also less an aesthetic thing, and more a self-perpetuating situation; I very rarely get them out due to my NSA (Naked Summer Anxiety aka aversion to flesh-flashing, which, naturally, reaches an all-time peak in the summer months) so when I feel a bit fruity/drunk, and whip out my upper arms they feel really surprised. And my body is really surprised. It feels very weird, like someone stroking the underside of your knee (try it, it's weird), which means I spend the whole time feeling a bit ill at ease and hey, I don't have to justify my need for sleeves to you. Who are you, the Arm King? Oh, I already did that one. Well, even so, there need be no justification as to why I want sleeves when it's hot – I'm a paying customer with (some small amounts of) money to spend so why do you completely ignore me, Fashion Industry? Why?
I go into a shop, and all the clothes have capped sleeves, perfect for enhancing the upper inflatables, no sleeves, spaghetti straps, or this phenomenon known as 'short sleeves' which basically means 'no sleeves but with a bit of sleeve'. Now there's this bandeau style that is essentially the polar opposite of a sleeve, if that's possible. It's minus-sleeve. What's going on? I can buy long skirts if I wish to cover up my ankles, Victorian-style, and I can buy high-necked transparent blouses if I wish to sort of cover up my bosom, Victorian-style, but my arms remain naked. Naked and squashy with rage. They wibble with wobbly indignation, and even if they didn't, even if they bristled with toned and muscular indignation, they still reserve the right to wear clothes.
Clothe my arms, Fashion Industry. Yes I know I can buy a kimono (and believe me, I now own four), or whatever else you've decided is really stylish right now, but for god's sake put some more sleeves on your goddamn tops and dresses. I love a good dress, and there are only about three per shop with legitimate arm coverage. They're usually tunics, and they're usually high-necked and sweat-making but I buy them all. All of them, because I don't have a choice. Because someone has deigned that nobody could ever want sleeves in the summer, as it's really hot and why would you?
Well I would. And I can't be the only person who would like more sleeves. Believe me, if I didn't think it would cheapen Change.org's more worthy causes, I would start up a petition and send it to every fashion house in the world. It would take so much time that'd I'd probably have to quit my job and devote my life to promoting the use of sleeves in summer fashion, and people would say: 'Why did you do that? It's not a big deal', and after 10 years of solid campaigning leaving me homeless, penniless, and devoid of all the dreams I had as a child, I'd see a sleeve on a top and cry. I will cry, and my arms will cry (ie sweat, in solidarity) and then I'll fall down dead at the foot of the sleeve. Weeping.
As you can imagine, Fashion Industry, this doesn't sound like the best way to play out my final days, so this open letter will have to do. Hopefully you'll hear it, and stop telling me to invest in cover-ups.
Sincerely,
Stevie Martin and her arms (specifically the right one, which has weird eczema at the top of it due to consistent usage of allergenic moisturisers because 'they smell so nice')
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Follow Stevie on Twitter: @5tevieM
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.