Some Clothes You Used To Think Were Sexy Reconsidered

Including thrush-inducing novelty thongs and ra ra skirts


by Lucy Hancock |
Published on

It’s hard to imagine, but you haven’t always been this much of a snappy dresser. Back in the days when your entire reputation was hanging by a novelty G-String it was much easier to make mistakes. And, oh, what colorful mistakes we made. Remember these?

Shag Bands

You wore these rubbery rainbows on your wrists with hesitant pride. The coding system, - frantically discussed on MSN, was used as (actually, now we think about it quite sinister) barter by every teenage boy in the land. In truth you didn’t really understand your erotic jewelry and it filled you with panic. The idea that you could snag it on a door handle of the maths classroom and end up in a legally binding sex contract with Mr Burrows was sometimes too much to think about.



As generation who ‘punk’ had mostly passed by, our rebellious aspirations found their pathetic voice in the form of a cartoon fish with an inexplicable lip piercing. With this fish swam all your sexual capital. If you were a real badass you had the one with the zip that swooshed dramatically across your washboard chest.


Low-rise anything

Never since this time in your life has the peak of your bum crack been such a highly erogenous zone. A trip to the park loos mid-cider hangout session and you’d stop to freshen up. Glittery eyelids, check! Spritz of Impulse, check. Jeans down, cheese grater pulled up… oi oi… someone’s getting action tonight!



The merits of dressing like the one you love are probably not best tested on teenage boys because they’ll pretty much snog anything. But dressing like Derek from Sum 41 certainly worked for me on the mean streets of Tunbridge Wells. Bearing in mind nobody could skate, sk8r boi shops were the only logical place to hang. Avril Lavigne really kicked this one off with the boy’s pants thing, but then she got involved in some serious recreational tie bullshit. Meaning if you wore one to school, you were literally wearing more ties per day than your dad.


Ra Ra Skirts

Around 2003 a memo went round that ruffles were the definitive way to lure in the opposite sex and boy, did you take heed of that memo. For a good year of your life candy pink ruching adorned your youthful thighs, occasionally blowing up to reveal your aforementioned thrush-inducing novelty thong. Teamed with a grown up blazer, some cheap court shoes and a fake ID you bought online this outfit was TOTALLY getting that pint of snakebite down the local pub. With the right La Senza cleavage you’d last about three seductive sips in there.



During the reign of Jennifer Lopez glitz and glam was the way. Once upon a school trip diamante was a sure fire way to dazzle the bejeesus out of potentional suitors. From the the twists in your hair to the stickers on your knickers you wore them on as many surfaces of your body. If you really committed to the diamond lyfe and got yourself a tooth gem that left a glue stain then feel free to join me in my sorrow.



For no particular reason at all, the standard interpretation of sexy dressing in your youth was ‘19th century bordello.’ You were always synching yourself into borrowed whalebone, tucking green paper towels under your tits. Worn with a denim skirt, your full tilt disco wardrobe ended up as a pastiche of Moulin Rouge and a particularly tacky episode of Footballers Wives.


Follow Lucy on Twitter @lucyannhancock

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

Just so you know, whilst we may receive a commission or other compensation from the links on this website, we never allow this to influence product selections - read why you should trust us