After ongoing attempts to dress normally during summer throughout my life, the last of which found me on the tube during the morning commute in an evening dress with over-long spaghetti straps and no bra, I have officially given up. As this summer rolled around (well, it's still rolling, but you know what I mean), I pledged this would be the year to just invest in a great pair of sunglasses and let the rest of my wardrobe deal with itself. After all, who’s going to judge you on cropped leggings and gym shoes when you’re wearing transparent pink new season Prada sunnies? Pretty much no-one, is who. Super stylist Mischa Notcutt reckons, “The best face furniture has to be a statement frame. Something sparkly, clashing and a great petrol lens that can hide any and all manner of sins.” I couldn’t agree more, so why don’t I have two glittery flamingos perched on my face yet?
Unfortunately, despite deciding I was totally fine with spending enough for a flight to Spain on some bits of plastic that are more than likely going to perish under an over-zealous bottom, I still haven’t. Completely the opposite, in fact, as my head is currently sporting the same three-year old pair with the arm that likes to detach itself at inopportune moments. I’ve strayed so far from my initial plan I even bought a desperation crop-top from Forever 21 the other day. Help. Why is it so hard to buy sunglasses, anyway? Sure they can be ludicrously expensive, but they don’t have to be and I’m not a serial sunglasses-loser or breaker like some people. Also, once you’ve picked them, you never have to look at them ever again, because they’re on the end of your nose. I suppose that must be the problem: you might not see them, but everybody else does.
Good sunglasses should feel like an extension of your very being, which makes it seriously hard to decide which ones you want. This pair isn’t existential enough; that pair isn't nonchalant enough; John Lennon had these… etc. It’s understandably intimidating, but judging by my current pair I’m very much a broken woman (plus, my boyfriend says they make me look like an angry wasp). Time to trawl the internet looking for alternatives, then!
The Cool Pair
Basically when I think of great sunglasses I either think of the Perspex Miu-Miu bejewelled collection, or something along the lines of this Jeremy Scott X Linda Farrow pair. These are the sunglasses that will distract people from your horrid toenails and dry knees. These will elevate any outfit from nondescript to, well, descript, in one fell swoop to the face. They’re the sort of sunglasses for people who live for a good photo-op, people who upload pictures of polaroids of them wearing just these and a choker in the sea somewhere. Sometimes it’s total overkill, and sometimes you just really want that life. Even if it’s just for a summer. Or a week.
Jeremy Scott x Linda Farrow sunglasses, £165, Linda Farrow
The Chic Pair
Alternatively, you can be sensible and toe the line between chic and super freak. It might not be quite as much of a statement, but you’ll be grateful when you’re dashing to a meeting and need some sunnies to soothe/hide your four-day hangover that aren’t huge and tiger print. This pair from Quay via ASOS are totally classy and totally affordable at £25. In fact they’re so reasonably priced, your ex-boyfriend could throw them under a moving train (just me?) and you wouldn’t even be that pissed.
Quay Kitty sunglasses, £25, ASOS
The Classic Pair
If the cat-eye shape isn’t for you and, like me, you agree that little round sunglasses are just not it, you could try a classic pair of aviators. Until I left mine on a salad bar in Paris a few months ago I practically lived in my Ray-Ban aviators. Yes, they’re like the most normal sunglasses you can imagine, but I’ll take normal over cheap and plasticky any day of the week. Plus, your dad will be totally jealous and it will be adorable.
Aviators, £135, Ray-Ban
The All-Rounders
Still not happy? Your problems might run deeper than the right pair of sunglasses but fine, try this classic, yet chic, yet pink and transparent yet cheap pair which ticks pretty much every box so far with the added bonus of coming in three colours. As far as I can tell, they don’t have very tinted lenses, so the sun protection will be minimal, but you’re not a moron so you probably won’t be looking directly into the sun that often. Or ever. You seriously should never do that.
Lido Oversized Square Sunglasses, £16, Topshop
The “Left-Fielder”
If none of those take your fancy, how about a pair which are not only quite beautiful and intricate and special, but will also make you a total doppelganger for Eugene Levy? Can’t. Unsee.
Philips Black sunglasses, £255, Box Boutique
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.