What is this wonderful word "Bedgasm" that combines two of our favourite things?
A Bedgasm, according to the urban dictionary is:
A feeling of complete and utter euphoria which peaks when climbing into bed at the end of an 18-hour workday, a long road trip or hours of extremely strenuous physical activity. Under perfect conditions, the physical release has been likened to that of an intense sexual experience.
"It was a three hour drive in the middle of the night, I could barely stay awake. When I got home, I climbed under the covers and had a ten-minute bedgasm."
Whilst this definition is correct, it makes the bedgasm sound far more elusive than it really is.
Obviously you're going to achieve a bedgasm after an 18 hour workday or a hike up Mount Everest, just like you'll achieve an orgasm if you're being double penetrated by supersonic dildos and having your clit massaged by the tongue of Adonis.
But then you can also get there in missionary.
Likewise, bedgasms are accomplishable without being so fatigued you can hardly move and words are coming out as actual dribble.
You just have to know what works for you. And unlike orgasms, what works for you is what will work for everyone else.
Here is how to achieve the bedgasm of your dreams, if you're not an extreme athlete or an investment banker:
Be really hungover
Not all of us have the opportunity to experience physical exhaustion from strenuous physical activity. None of us really go into coal mining these days as it's kind of last century and the wages wouldn't pay for our shoeboxes in Clapton. What we do have the opportunity to do, however, is consume vast amounts of alcohol in a very short space of time on an empty stomach. This is an excellent way to physically exhaust yourself. A day spent staring cross eyed into your computer screen, jumping when anyone says your name and trying to keep your distance from any other human will guarantee you are so happy to get out of the office, so stiff, so dehydrated, that you could be sleeping in a bath of snakes and still have a bedgasm.
Invest in sheets
Buying sheets can be one of the more painful expenditures: super expensive and way less interesting than shoes. That is, unless you shop for them with your bedgasm in mind. Then it becomes a fun game. The rule is: the higher your thread count the more intense your bedgasm. Egyptian cotton is always the way to go as it's "like sleeping on candy floss" says Tara, property gal. “Never go with silk as it makes you hot and sweaty and the duvet just slips off the bed at any given/awkward opportunity. Silk on naked skin should be kept strictly to Galaxy adverts."
Nightwear
Like sheets, this needs to be carefully selected. This is your sleep glove and will caress your skin all night long. Your nightwear must reflect your sleeping persona. This is state in which you feel most relaxed and comfortable. For example:
Persona 1: Childlike, innocent and cute.
Nightwear: PJ's with joyous print and stretchy drawstring waist to pull up over your tummy on bloated days and sit around your hips on thin days. Light cotton for summer, flannelette for winter.
Option 2: Sensual all-womanly woman?
Nightwear: Slip or anything slinky. Silk or satin for jouge-factor. Beware of lace (scratchy) and cheap synthetic knock-offs. Get the real deal or you'll just become a ball of static by the morning and have a really uncomfortable tube journey.
Option 3: Baby in a womb/real lover of extremely high thread count expensive sheets
Nightwear: None
Mattress Accessories
In rented accommodation, most of us don't have the luxury of choosing a mattress but this isn't the be all and end all. Hillary, PA in Mayfair and bedware-obsessive excitedly shared her wisdom: "The DON of mattress toppers has one layer memory foam and one layer of goose down. It's the double whammy. You soak - no, you sink into it. And make sure you have those king-sized pillows: slightly longer than a standard pillow so on lonely nights you can make a pillow fort around you. Like a safe-soft-bed cocoon."
Know your mattress baaa-sics #reallyshitsheeppun
If you do come to buying a mattress, because you've found out you've got bedbugs or something equally extreme that forces you to spend the vast amount of money, do your research.
Amongst the many options is "natural fleece wool" which is a mattress filled with actual sheep. We can learn from, Asset Manager, Pippa's particularly bad all-round bed experience which she kindly shared:
"My mattress smelled like sheep.....but not in a good way. They just don't treat the wool properly. I felt horrible because you should support these things and the sheep seemed to have come from a really nice farm. Once, I went on holiday and was so excited to get home to my own bed I forgot I was essentially sleeping with a sheep. And there he was again, smelling rotten. The same night I had a dream my mattress topper was trying to cook me in an oven. It had its own personality and it turned out he was really quite a vile person. However cold it was, he would cook me up. That, by the way, was the OPPOSITE of a bedgasm."
Thank you, Pippa. It really is.
Pre-Bed Prep
Nothing is better than being totally smothered in expensive cream before hitting the big-B. Spend a bit of time self-loving, and self pruning, bringing down your heart rate, taking yourself away from screens and phones, listening to relaxing music, reflecting on the day in a positive manner… all the things a calm collected beautiful lady is supposed to do before bed. The longer you spend on pre-bed prep, the more 'in the present' you are to enjoy that pure moment you slide under your crisp cool sheets and experience release so soul-nourishing it brings tears to your eyes.
Sweet dreams.
See below for some brilliant bedgasm-inducing nightwear...
Oversized shirt, £39, Zara Home; Floral pyjama set, £12, New Look; The Hangover Club set, £116, Wildfox at ASOS; All-in-one lounger, £25, Topshop; White racer tank, £15, Bonds at ASOS
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Follow Madeleine Knight on Twitter @MissMadeleineK
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.