The BAFTAs 2014: If Dresses Could Talk

'Lily doesn't play by the rules and I don't either. Obviously - I'm Vivienne Westwood! That's why we're new BFFs. Some say red and pink clash; Lil and I say, sod off pedants. Some say bubblegum pink feathers shooting out of your ears would be too much; Lil and I say, they're the new earrings. Bring it.'

'Voulez vous coucher avec moi, ce soir...'. Oops, pardon. You caught me serenading Mademoiselle Josepheeeen. But come on, my Marios Schwab ass has a good chance - I am tres sexi, non? With my little bit of peekaboo sheer? I think we both know the answer to that.'

'So I'm kinda chuffed to be draped over one half of Britain's cutest thesp couple. Sod all that extra adornment; I'm all about the virginal minimalism with a few nods to my Chanel origins via my signature gold buttons. I' as cool as a Mr Whippy and as fresh as my mistresses's peachy skin'.

'I actually lost my shit when I heard that everyone's No.1 new crush - we're talking Jennifer Lawrence levels of love - would be wearing me to the BAFTAs. It's apt that I am jade green Dior Couture, too, because you are totally green with envy that I get to meet Lupita Nyong'o. Bad luck, sisters!'

'Piss off, I'm not trying to be a mermaid, ok? I'm actually hella trendy - John Rocha at his most avant garde, in fact. I'm orange - it's the new pink - I'm covered in sequins like Henry Holland's latest show, I've cut a kickass cut-out and i'm totally tied up in a bow. Boom.'

'Look, I really don't have time to talk to you. I'm too busy being as effortlessly androgynous as a YSL tuxe can be (Brad's wearing a matching one, FYI - so we're not that effortless, perhaps). F*ck the frills, I'm proof that a man's dress shirt and a black suit are red carpet dynamite.'

'Don't be snide. Just because you can imagine me on a Dragon's Den beautician hopeful doesn't mean I can't have Bond Girl aspirations. Anyway, I'm Gucci - and combined with Naomie Harris' natural born chicittude, I'm less Lord Sugar, more shaken not stirred.'

'Get me, Kate Middleton. I bet you've never been allowed to wear all the crown jewels across your boobs. Well, Maggie has, with my Lanvin self. Along with some very a la mode sheer florals. I'm basically a one woman party. Toot toot!'

'I'm an unsual one, I'll grant you. But I'm Chanel, so I can pretty much get away with anything. I would sum up my vibe as 'patriotic duckling'. Choupette loves it. Plenty of white feathers with mini Union Jack homages. I'm nothing if not original.'

'Heavens to Betsy, I had a right old time trying to pin Michelle down for a fitting. She was too busy paintballing with her new model love. Finally I smacked some of my Emilio de la Morena leather down on that globe-trotting tush of hers. And we ended up looking pretty darn fierce.'

'You know when you cut a paper chain? It totally works for a dress too. A few snips in my Givenchy later and I'm a myriad of missing diamonds. I've certainly made Imogen happy.'

'If one more 'gagster' says to Lea, 'Blue really is the warmest colour!' I'm going to spontaneously burst at my Prada seams. Can we please focus instead on my double layer skirt (sheer maxi over opaque mini) and that I go spectacularly well with her new red hair? Honestly, thank god I'm not Fifty Shades of Grey.

'Initially, I thought we might be heading to Sam's wedding - meaning a guaranteed good night for me, wink wink - but then she added some gobstopper pearls to tone down my bridal aspirations and I looked kinda cool, in my minimalist Calvin Klein ways. OK, well as edgy as a white strapless dress is ever gonna get.'

How sophisticated am I? Darkly sexy and utterly plain except for my silver roses. There's no doubt that I, a McQueen dress, was born for a winner (like Cate. Ha!)

'I thought Edith was going to be really snooty, but she's actually a real gas! You can probably guess i'm Erdem. It's the black forest forals, right? I've kept things suitably femme with a sprinkling of embellished flowers and Laura's top knot lends a girlish edge to my natural vamp.'

After all Amy's perfectly rendered boobage in American Hustle, she was after a higher neckline. Not mumsy, mind; my Victoria Beckham sheer cropped collared blouse and fitted fishtail dress keeps things fresh and original. But it's just a bit classic. Like Amy, herself.'