The 8 Stages Of Bikini Shopping, Vined

For anyone who has ever sat draped in a coat in the changing rooms, crying.

Stages Of Bikini Shopping, Vined

by Stevie Martin |
Published on

Everyone loves bikini shopping! The bright lights, the bikinis, the fact that you will inevitably end up sitting on the little bench in the changing room cubicle with your coat wrapped around you, crying. Classic day.

From the moment you book a holiday, to the moment you go home and try on the tiny, bandy, skimpy, nothingy thing you're going to be wearing in front of loads of strangers, the emotions are running high. And then they also run low. And then you spend a bit of time Googling 'Victorian swimwear for the modern woman' in the hope that it's a Vogue-approved trend you can legitimately buy into, like ponchos or cloaks.

This is for everyone who has cursed society for making women feel like they need to look like Miranda Kerr in order to put on a swimsuit, and this is for the person who first said 'Hey, shall we just make waterproof bras and pants so we can see way more tit and arse?'. Look what you've done. LOOK.

Stage 1: False Optimism

You're going on holiday! Wearing a bikini will be totally fine because it's in, like, a month's time and you'll have worked on your self-esteem before then!

Stage 2: Avoidance/Procrastination

Yeah, you'll totally get one. There are just too many distractions and, y'know, stuff to do and things. And stuff.

Stage 3: Trying Some On


Stage 4: Total Denial


Stage 5: Regrouping And Recharging

All right, they're sort of necessary.

Stage 6: The CBA Anymore Purchase

When you've been in various shops for 4 hours and still hate everything you've tried on.

Stage 7: Trying It On The Night Before The Holiday

You bought it ages ago, and you were in a bad place. Plus you've been to the gym twice since then (a month ago) and everything.

Stage 8: Acceptance

You're on the beach. There's sun. There's sand. Who gives a flying vicar?

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Follow Stevie on Twitter: @5tevieM

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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