So, New York Fashion Week kicked off yesterday. The week before that it was Stockholm and Copenhagen. The week before* that* it was Paris Couture. You know, the one where Cara wore a sparkly dress with Chanel trainers. Oh, and next weekend it's London Fashion Week. So if you live in the capital, you'll see lots of 'super tall interns' (as our Deputy Editor calls them) aka models, lolloping around London with a map, like confused baby gazelles.
You don't need to worry much about what happens within the 6 weeks of insanity that happens twice a year. The magazines will tell you all to know and you can swoon/lol at the technicolour streestyle at your own leisure. But it's always fun to pretend you're part of something niche. Like you've been given a pass to the underworld, or something. So here's a cheat sheet of trade secrets for you to rip-off as your own. Who cares if you actually work in I.T.? Your coat and conversation says you totally just went to Christopher Kane.
Learn the lingo
The fashion world revolves around acronyms. It's all LFW, AW14, BFC. This roughly translates as London Fashion Week, Autumn Winter 2014 (for the clothes you'll be wearing this time next year) and the British Fashion Council who are the top dogs. On top of that, rememeber that models 'open' and 'close' the show - rather than 'they came on first' or 'they went last' - that a booker is the person who books models and that when the catwalk photographers shout 'close your legs' it's just because they can't get a good photo, not because you're doing a Lindsay Lohan.
Wear wildly inappropriate shoes
The Somerset House courtyard where many of the catwalk shows are held is the home to a ruinous collection of cobbles. Therefore, it is very sensible to wear spiky 6 inch stilettos and a short skirt, whilst not leaving yourself nearly enough time to scurry from one show to the next. Not! It's a fact that fashion people wear ridiculous clothing at inappropriate times of year for no other reason than they feel like it. But it's actually strangely liberating. Wear what you want, when you want - regardless of the weather - and life becomes that bit more fun. Who gives about a little frostbite?
Look at your iPhone and eat popcorn all day
Don't worry if you haven't watched the show. Most people there didn't either. They were all on their phones, stealing a blurry shot of Anna Wintour's fringe and tweeting about how bad their neighbour's breath was. Not really. If you're on the FROW you're looking attentive. But if you're a few rows back, then let's just say that the quality of the popcorn becomes just as important as the works of art on the catwalk. Talk about how you've eaten popcorn all day and people in the know will assume that you have been to at least a few catwalk shows.
Drape your coat over your shoulders, tie your shirt around your waist and wear your bag across your body
It's like a very stylish straitjacket, this combo. Don't wear your coat on, or take it off - do both. Drape your coat over your shoulders - it's called 'shoating' or 'robing' FYI - tie a shirt around your waist (doesn't matter if you've got no intention of wearing it) and then wear your bag from one shoulder across the opposing hip. As long as you don't need to go to the loo, or put your coat back on... the whole thing is stress free.
Talk about your schedule. A lot
'Can you come for coffee?' someone will ask you. 'I can't, my schedule's packed', you'll reply dramatically. Fashion shows are back-to-back with little time in between to do anything but tweet (obvs). Don't bother making plans with your friends, just tweet them instead. They definitely won't be annoyed that you blow them off, only to post a picture on Instagram later of you holding 3 glasses of champagne at a party where they can see Alexa in the background.
Instagram pictures of your invitations
Depending on who you follow, Instagram is run amok with pieces of small embossed invites on artfully mussed up bed sheets, around fashion week. Instagram your own invitations, preferable a pile of them. Who cares if on closer inspection, the silver swirly writing gives it away that you've been invited to your small cousins christening or your brother's bar mitzvah, rather than the Simone Rocha show? You got invited to something via some posh cardboard and that counts for a lot.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.