The 10 Best And The 10 Worst Things About Getting Dressed For A Date

You may be liable to panic-purchase something from Zara on your way home that you cannot afford and will never wear again. Chalk it up to experience and flog it on eBay.

At some point before you go out you’ll consider what you look like ‘through his eyes’. You’ll then swap your entire outfit for something 90% less comfortable, revealing 30% more flesh.

Your final ‘look’ will be comprised of ridiculous clothes you’ve never worn before and feel extremely uncomfortable in. You are not on a catwalk, but a wobbly bar stool – why did you try and dress for one?

One of the items (inevitably the one borrowed from your skinny housemate) will twist your innards into an indescribable mess, making digestion and the ability to go the toilet almost impossible tasks. Even smiling makes you weep.

Dry shaving your shins, underarms and bikini line with a blunt razor is mandatory pre-date prep and leaves with you the itchiest body parts* in the history of time. *

Rinsing your 3G as you frantically try to send everyone you know pictures of potential date-outfits will bite you in the ass three days later when you attempt to drunkenly Google Maps your way home.

You leave work in a rush and get changed quickly, forgetting the horror show of shit underwear that lies beneath your clownish exterior. While he chats away to you about his university experience, a series of sexy montages in which he undresses you, suddenly revealing your full body-armour of Spanx that makes you look like a naked human Cabbage Patch doll, will run and re-run through your head.

That dress your best mate lent you (the one that’s practically a family heirloom) now has Thai food all down the front. Any potential dry cleaning funds you might have had were spent on that Zara dress (now discarded under the bed).

You’re now suffering severe blood loss courtesy of those shoes you’ve never worn, and have decided to debut tonight.

Not only do you need to dress yourself before you leave the house, you will also need to ‘dress’ your room (your laundry basket can only hold so much detritus) in case he comes back for ‘pudding’.

First off, this is exciting. You’re about to meet a real 3D boy for a drink, and a wonderful opportunity to prove via your keen make-up and hairstyling skills, that you are in fact a goddess.

This is an opportunity to wear that dress you bought in a vintage shop and swore you would wear one day, or for that matter, anything you’ve put to one side for ‘that special occasion.’ It is the perfect date dress. PERFECT.

All of your friends are obliged to be nice and overly complimentary about your outfit, as they too will have once upon a time stood where you are now – peering into a void of potential disappointment and boredom. It makes you feel cosy and loved, even if only transiently.

This is the finest excuse to exploit your womanly wiles and powers. Don’t forget to enjoy Ursula from *The Little Mermaid-*like moments of wild hysteria and power drunkenness as you catch a glimpse of your fine self in the mirror. Salute your fine self! You fine, gurl.

Dates justify wearing heels. Fact. Get ’em on and stride out. You do not look like a dick, you look like a date-worthy laydee with date-like skills.

Pre-date getting ready time is also a wonderful window in which to enjoy several drinks with your housemates. Dutch courage is a very real thing and not to be frowned upon (NB: do your make-up first).

Hypothetically speaking, let’s go out on a limb and say this goes really, really well. In years to come, you’ll ask him, ‘Do you remember our first date when I seduced you in this positively draw-jopping dress’ or, lamenting, ‘Do you remember when I could fit into this?’ Make this ‘getting ready’ bit historic, even if you feel like you’ve gone through the motions a thousand times before.

If that’s a bit _Notebook f_or you, at least take comfort in the fact that if the date is a wash out, you know you’ll be wearing your very best pulling get up. The world is now your oyster. ’Cos you never know who else could be sitting in the bar, alongside Disaster Date Man, do you? Tosses hair.

Feeling edgy? Fast forward mentally to that moment when the front door closes behind you and you realise you don’t care what he thinks about how you looked. A movie-like montage will ensue where you take off the thigh highs and slip into jeans and high-five all your flatmates because you are a #woman.

Whatever you wear he is going to want to sleep with you drops mic.