As we adjust our crinoline and tighten up our corsets (No? Wrong decade?) in anticipation of the new series of Downton Abbey starting on Sunday night, there’s one question on everybody’s lips, and it’s got nothing to do with Lady Mary’s sex life, Edith’s love child and possibly dead possibly Nazi fiancée, or the twinkle in Bates’ eye that inexplicably makes all women over the age of 48 collapse in a heap of lust (gross).
What we’re actually asking is, which character will Kim Kardashian play? Yep, inspired by her close personal friend George Clooney taking a role in the new series (allegedly, reportedly), Kim K has said that she too would like a part in Downton Abbey.
Speaking to The Sun, who presumably asked her ‘would you like a part on Downton Abbey?’ she replied, ‘I’m a big fan, I’d love to be on it if they asked. I love things like that.’ Wow, someone call her casting agent.
Actually, this makes perfect sense. (Some) Americans are notoriously obsessed with Ye Olde British aristocracy – who else do you think keeps English Heritage and the National Trust in cream teas? And Kim’s already expressed an interest in big dresses, castles and obnoxious displays of unattainable wealth, so you can see why she’d be so keen to secure an invitation to the big house.
And Kim K rocking up in a drop-waisted dress and a pair of sensible lace-ups wouldn’t be the weirdest thing to happen on the show. After four seasons of clunky dialogue, hilarious missuse of acronyms and occasional, poorly-explained appearances from Shirley Maclaine, a cameo from a Kardashian wouldn’t look out of place at all. And if Julian Fellowes is running out of ideas, here are a few suggestions for how he could weave her, seamlessly, into this season’s big plots:
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Last season ended with Edith giving her child away to a local farmer and his wife, on the proviso that she could visit on the sly occasionally. KIM COULD BE THAT WIFE. She wouldn’t have to say anything, just lurk in the background occasionally put a cup of tea in front of Edith with that vague air of surly resentment when she pops up for nursery visits.
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Perhaps this season Daisy will finally leave Downton and Mrs Patmore and move to that farm she inherited approximately 15 years ago. This inevitably sets up the obligatory comedy sequence in episode three, in which Mrs Patmore interviews candidates for the assistant cook role, including a mysteriously silent American woman, who is entirely incapable of making a cheese soufflé, but does turn up wearing a darling snakeskin cloche.
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Tom Branson’s worthy schoolteacher girlfriend is getting a bit boring. Do you know what would be more fun? If Shirley MacLaine rocked up for entirely spurious reasons, bringing with her mysterious (silent) heiress, whose family were some of the earliest investors in the talkies. Despite her mysterious (silent) demeanour, Branson falls for her charms and the pair are soon caught by Lady Grantham shagging in the winter garden.
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Do you remember back in season one, when we discovered that Carson used to be on the stage? He might have tried to leave forget his past life as a star of musical theatre, but in season five, he’s visited by a mysterious and silent stranger, claiming to be his daughter. She was conceived after a night of passion between Carson and an usher from Morcambe, and has come to Downton and claim her inheritance (three pairs of white gloves and a gallon of silver polish). Despite asking for no money whatsoever, Lord Grantham inexplicably tries to pay her off to the tune of twenty quid, and she’s never heard of again.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.