My experience on the Netflix show Love is Blind UK taught me a lot about who I am and what my values are. And one of the most polarising storylines from the whole show was centred around me being a 50/50 guy, with my ex-fiancé Maria seeing men as being ‘providers’ and expecting them to pick up the bill.
Of course, the reality of our situation was a lot more nuanced than that, but it sparked huge conversation online, and not all positive. I’d have comments ranging from people celebrating me as a believer in equality and equity (bang on), a self-reflective feminist (absolutely here for it) to people calling me stingy, tight and a princess (would argue the case on these, my tiara has been in the loft for a while).
Perhaps the reason it sparked such intense debate is because finding your happy place when it comes to money in a new relationship is a conversation which most couples can relate to. According to Forbes, 38% of divorces in the US cite financial problems as a cause.
Of course, your views on the financial contribution either of you puts into your relationship are dependent on your environment. I was raised by a single mum who had to take on the ‘provider’ role, but instilled a belief in me that women can do amazing things in the workplace and be financially independent, as well as create a beautiful environment to raise children. Then, in my adult life, I’ve been surrounded and inspired by women in the PR industry who combine more traditional ‘masculine’ leadership qualities, along with more empathy, compassion and communication than their male counterparts.
That’s led me to the belief that, when it comes to finances in a relationship, it should be about fairness and equity. When it comes to first dates, I will pick up the bill - but it’s not about gender, it’s because I’ve asked that person out and it’s a nice gesture. If I earn £100k and my partner earns £50k, I think we should contribute proportionately depending on our incomes.
My biggest regret on the show was around being judgemental about Maria’s job as a make-up artist, and when I reflect back on it, I made that judgement without fully understanding what a rewarding career it can be.
And it’s important to apply that level of reflection to women who believe men should be providers. While men taking financial responsibility for women isn’t something I believe in, I do think it’s important to understand why certain men and women feel that way.
In some circumstances it can be down to religious beliefs, in some cases it’s about women feeling safe and secure in their relationship, and of course you must consider raising children and the challenges this brings when it comes to women and their careers.
And I think from Maria’s point of view it was about the man she’s dating taking financial responsibility during the courtship phase, because that shows they’re trying to ‘woo’ and impress the woman.
But even with these factors in mind, I still stand by my position.
If we want men and women to be treated equally, if we want to address important factors like the gender pay gap, if we want to get rid of outdated views of ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ traits, then we have to start by putting men and women on a level playing field.
That means, in my opinion, looking at a relationship as a ‘partnership’, where each ‘partner’ contributes equally based on their means and what they can - and want to - bring to the table.
This archaic view of women maintaining a home while the man goes out to work doesn’t fit the view I have of successful modern relationships, and we need to be a lot more fluid than that. Why shouldn’t I want to take responsibility for cooking our meals if I enjoy it? Why shouldn’t my partner want to progress in her career if it gives her purpose and makes her feel good about herself? Why shouldn’t I take equal responsibility in raising our children so my partner can go out and work?
I believe the success of Love is Blind UK was down to the emotional maturity of the cast members, and the show has normalised the idea that couples should talk openly about topics like financial contributions before they make a longer-term commitment to each other. And while reality TV gets a lot of stick, if it helps people communicate more openly about these topics, then that’s something which should be celebrated.
So what’s next? I’m all for including a section on dating apps where you state your views on finances – it might save a lot of pain in the long run!