26 Things That Happen When You Buy A House For The First Time

First of all, you're incredibly lucky - so people will raise their eyebrows and ask how you did it - inheritance, bank of Mum and Dad or savings and no life for five years?

When you decide to buy a house, your actual budget will depress you

If you're in London and you have friends anywhere else in the country, their house prices will depress you

If you live somewhere with decent house prices, you'll almost apologise for how much cheaper yours was

You start to recognise what estate agent speak really means eg "comfy and cosy" = a bedroom so small the door won't close when there's furniture inside

You'll shudder when you hear the term 'group viewing' or 'open house' - this means you will be wedged into a room with 30 other nervous couples

At said open house, you'll get edgy and fake smile at people while thinking 'I hope you die'

You'll also start to imagine who might outbid you, and make hasty judgements on 'that b*tch with a pashmina'.

You will be impressed by estate agents with fancy cars and think they are all lovely - until they laugh in your face at your budget or send you houses 30 miles away, with too many rooms that's waaay too expensive

When you find a good estate agent, you will want to kiss them on the face - and become weirdly close with them until the sale is done

You will become a house price bore - you will become obsessed with your area 'coming up' and get excited a niche deli opened round the corner

You will give literally all the information you ever have on yourself to the bank - you'll worry you'll be judged for your Pret habit and heavy ASOS orders, and try to abstain for a month

Location Location Location will become your new favourite show. You may start wearing bright coats and scarves like Kirsty to appear more in the know at viewings

You'll read up on 'lease,' 'freehold' and 'share of' - and not really understand but ask questions about it at viewings anyway

You will hate stamp duty with the fire of a thousand suns and curse the day it was invented

All you really care about at the viewing is the 'vibe' - but you will try to not look like a mug and pretend to do things like test the shower

Applying for a mortgage will make you feel like you are asking the bank to cut themselves open and feed themselves to hyenas

You will inevitably have to get over wanting a huge garden and whether it is south facing. Think about the fact you don't live in Majorca and will have approximately one BBQ a year

Gazumping is not a type of cheese or a niche game - it's your worst nightmare

When you hear about 'the chain' - you will become obsessed with other people's lives and start speculating wildly about their decisions

You will learn not to be fooled by that classic estate agent trick of being shown two sh_t houses and then a third OK one - it's probably sh_t

If you meet the house owner you may put on the 'we are such a nice couple' vibe - even though you argued furiously about sash windows five minutes before

Things everyone seems to want and think are totally unique to their needs when house hunting: wooden floors, neutral decor, big windows (double glazed), big garden, two large bedrooms of equal size, one of those kitchens with cool tiles and an 'island'. Spoiler: it doesn't exist or if it does you will pay for it

Always trust your gut

Damp is always going to be sh*t - don't be fooled

Prepare to have no weekends or evenings

When you have actually exchanged, you will feel like a real grown-up for about five seconds, along with 'sh_t I have bought a f_*_ing house'. Followed by 'sh_t I have a mortgage'

The day of exchange will be the most stressful of your life. But when you're inside your empty, small home, you'll eat takeaway on the floor and drink cheap Prosecco from plastic cups and feel like a property mogul