Look. If you remained in any doubt at all that the phenomenon of the Kardashian family had become an extended exercise in post-modern performance art. If you were still unsure whether the Kims and the Khloes and the Kendalls were anything less than subversive visionaries. If you thought their story was anything other than an expertly wielded campaign for world-domination, cloaked in seeming naivete but actually genius, just look. Look at Stormi’s second birthday. Look at Stormi World, 2.0.
Take in the soaring, full colour and inflatable interpretation of her head. Observe how guests are entreated to enter it via the mouth. Next, examine Stormi’s birthday cake. Look, again, at the toddler’s head – rendered this time in icing, surrounded by what I can only describe as mechanical spider’s legs and issuing a rainbow from its gaping mouth. Stormi’s head, in fact, appears again and again. Expressionless, a giant version hovers over the party’s theme-park setting. There she is, still unsmiling, on a biscuit. Stormi is watching you.
All hail Stormi Webster. Time to celebrate! How better to mark the occasion than with effigies of her face? Everywhere? Twitter, for its part, wasn’t sure whether the party was a reward or a punishment. ‘WHY DID SHE DO STORMI SO WRONG’ wrote one commentator. ‘That inflatable tunnel in her likeness is nightmare material’, noted another (correctly). @deirdrestatham echoed a lot of onlookers with the admission ‘Can't sleep. Stormi'll eat me.’
Stormi Webster is probably already one of the most successful people on the planet, considering the shrewd marketing swirling around her little head since before she exited the womb. With her name rumoured to have been a registered trademark months before she was even born, the toddler basically launched a make-up collection the other day – at least, Stormi by Kylie Jenner hit shelves just in time for her momentous birthday.
And it’s not just a tribute – the two-year-old is credited as a collaborator. There exists Instagram evidence of tiny Stormi weighing up options on a colour swatch. She joined mum Kylie and Grandma Kris on the cover of Harpers Bazaar Arabia aged only 18 months. When I say her CV is more impressive than mine, that's understatement rather than hyperbole. Stormi’s portfolio literally already exceeds 99% of established adults, and shows no sign of slowing.
Stormi World is magnificent and terrifying in equal measure. Bowing before our queen, I wish little Stormi a very happy birthday indeed. Partly because I do; partly because I am worried what will happen if I don’t.
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