What was the lowest day in the history of the royal family? Was it the abdication of Edward VIII? The fire at Windsor Castle? The decision by the Duke and Duchess of Sussex to retire from their senior roles? Nope. It was It's A Royal Knockout. Somehow, more than three decades ago, Prince Edward decided to organise a medieval themed celebrity tournament overseen by several heirs to the throne, and it was absolutely as bad as it sounds.
It almost beggars belief. Taking place on June 15th 1987, the event - officially titled The Grand Knockout Tournament - kicked off on the grounds of Alton Towers. The brainchild of Edward, The Queen's youngest child, it had the best of intentions as a charity fundraiser. But it was doomed from the beginning.
The Queen, biographer Ben Pimlott recalls, viewed the escapade with derision even before the cameras started rolling. In 1996 tome The Queen, Ben addresses what was a disastrous PR exercise for the family. '"It was a terrible mistake," says one of the Monarch's friends. 'She was against it. But one of her faults is that she can't say no.' 'There was not a single courtier,' one recalls, 'who did not think it was a mistake.' Their advice was confounded by youthful enthusiasm and the Queen's maternal indulgence."
Picture it, if you will. Four teams, headed up by Prince Edward, sister Princess Anne, brother Prince Andrew and sister-in-law Sarah, Duchess of York. These captains oversaw physical tasks undertaken by a motley crew of celebrities, many of them impressive. Christopher Reeve, the Superman icon, rubbed shoulders with singer Toyah Wilcox, Chris de Burgh, Dr Quinn actress Jane Seymour, John Travolta, Anneka Rice, John Cleese, Margot Kidder and Meat Loaf. When the singer sings 'I would do anything for love, but I won't do that', one imagines he is referring to the idea of a repeat of this day in history.
Costumes were worn. Challengers were fulfilled. Contestants dressed as vegetables lobbed ham at each other.
'The programme was excruciating', writes Ben. '"Give us a B. . ." bellowed the Duchess of York - and made the public stunningly aware that a sense of decorum was not an automatic quality in the Royal Family, and even that some members might be more deserving of their Civil List incomes than others.' Princess Anne, by that point a bonafide Olympic medalist, and whose face throughout on-set interviews made it clear that she wished she had booked a hair appointment that day, aptly led the winning team. An impressive one million pounds were raised. But at what cost?
Edward had hoped to launch a successful TV career from the lofty heights of this celebrated event. Instead, he was ridiculed. One could argue that his reputation as the dweeb of the family has hounded him ever since. Anyone who watched The Crown - especially its third series - will know that the monarchy often struggled to convince the public that they were worthy of money, of respect, of homage. It's A Royal Knockout made many wonder why their taxes were funding a clan of buffoons, and marked a genuine shift in the way the media portrayed at least some members of the royal family - The Duchess of York, in particular, whose lack of royal blood always seemed to be held against her. It seems no coincidence that the heir to the throne, Prince Charles, and his then-wife Princess Diana declined to have anything to do with it. One needed plausible deniability.
It's A Royal Knockout holds a fascinating place in history. It was a time where the royal family were finding their feet in a new modern world, as Queen Elizabeth II's four children stepped out as their own people. Perhaps it was an experiment worth making, but it nevertheless failed entirely, and one wonders if Edward wakes in the night in cold sweats, remembering his mustard yellow tunic and matching hat. He may find solace in one thing, however: thank god Twitter didn't exist then.
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