Just in case you hadn’t seen any website, paper or social media site in the past 24 hours, Justin Bieber’s got a bit of a comeuppance for all his dickheadery in the form of a slap from Lord of the Rings actor Orlando Bloom.
TMZ released fuzzy cameraphone footage of Orlando approaching Justin and giving him the light slap after the pair ran into each other at Ibiza nightclub and restaurant Cipriani. There's also a few quotes of what they were meant to have said, including Justin saying 'She was good' - more on that later.
While there’s a plethora of reasons why someone might want to give Justin a bit of a slap – he’s shadowboxed at the Anne Frank museum, pissed in a cleaner’s mop and bucket while yelling ‘fuck Bill Clinton’, caused $20,000 (£12,000) worth of damage to a neighbour's house after pelting it with eggs and once abandoned his pet monkey in Germany – Orlando was potentially more concerned about the alleged hookup the singer had with Orlando’s ex-wife, Australian model Miranda Kerr. Rumours of the liaison have been going around ever since Justin and Miranda both featured in the Victoria’s Secret runway show in New York in 2012, when Orlando and Miranda were still married. Orlando and Miranda have since split up, but under happy terms: ‘We’re professionals and we love and care about each other – and most of all, we love our son’ Orlando told a talkshow at the time.
Now, we wouldn’t normally get so screamingly excited at a bit of casual violence, but there are so many layers of great about this story. First off, it lends credence to those stirrings that Miranda and Justin slept together, which we’ve seen hints of all over the internet – and in the more daring tabloids – since it was alleged to have happened (for the record, Miranda’s lawyers have previously denied it ever did.)
Secondly, the incident has spawned a really unexpected love octagon; Orlando Bloom was spotted with Selena Gomez a few months ago, he’s been linked to Erica Packer, who used to be married to Australian businessman James Packer, who had a punch up with his fellow tycoon mate David Gyngell over his alleged relationship with Miranda Kerr, reports The Metro. Proving that Justin isn’t the only one with cartoon chirping birds circling around his head right now.
And then there's the extent of Bieber’s public humiliation, as all of our favourite celebrities of yesteryear (apart from Unkle Cracker) were there to cheer on Orlando in his valiant quest to give Justin a piece of his mind. Leonardo DiCaprio was at the same table as Orlando, and Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Puff Daddy were all present, too, dining elsewhere in the restaurant, according to TMZ. Anastasia Skolkovaa, a Spanish journalist-turned-model, says she witnessed the whole thing: ‘Orlando maybe had half a minute to think about what he was going to do.’
‘He got up, he started walking very fast - there was maybe a bit of running,’ she told The Mirror: ‘He jumped over the sofa and then security came and tried to separate them. When Orlando punched Bieber, everyone started clapping. People were shouting, "What a show! Justin and Orlando fighting. What a show!" Lindsay [Lohan] was laughing. It was amazing. The whole table he and DiCaprio were on were clapping. Afterwards, I don't know if people were congratulating Orlando or trying to calm him down.’
After the incident, which has seen no charges pressed, Justin posted a photo of a bikini-clad Miranda (are there any other sorts of photos of Miranda Kerr?) to his Instagram. He then deleted it and replaced it with a picture of Orlando looking like he’s crying at some red carpet event somewhere. It now has 571,791 likes (which is actually not that many for him, he normally gets around 800,00 - maybe even some of his dedicated Beliebers aren't into this sort of chiding?)
So, yeah, we totally get that Justin’s still an arrogant prick, even after he’s had a room full of A-Listers laugh at him. We’re totally down with Orlando slapping him for that reason. What we don’t like, though, is the idea that Orlando was fighting to defend Miranda’s 'honour', as some might see it.
At the time of the alleged hookup, Justin was 19 and Miranda was 30. Assuming the whole thing was consensual (and we have no reason to believe otherwise) she was hardly a delicate flower, passively waiting to be plucked by Justin. Sex is (or at least should be) a mutual decision, and it's certainly not Miranda's ex-husband's job to police what her former hook ups may or may not have done with her.
Just like in reports of that previous brawl between James Packer and David Gyngell over the model, Miranda is being treated like a voiceless bystander to her own sex life. As exciting as it may be to see Justin on the receiving end of a slapabout in front of some celebrities, we sure hope that it was done because Justin’s a bit of a dick, not because Orlando feels he has to protect Miranda's reputation. Especially if he was cheated on (we say 'if', if any lawyers are checking this). Miranda is a grown woman who makes adult choices - including, yuck, working with Terry Richardson - and if one of them involved sleeping with the boy who once enraged all of Germany by denying its existence, well, that was her choice, and her cross to bear.
Plus, though Justin has been in an on-off relationship with Selena Gomez for years, he wasn’t the married one. We’re not aching to shame Miranda for her choices, as only she will ever know why she made them. We just hope that when it comes to his ex-wife, Orlando’s got a more diplomatic way of handling the alleged affair than leaping over furniture to give her a smack.
Follow Sophie on Twitter @sophwilkinson
Picture: Corbis
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.