It must be a difficult time for Suarez. Not only is he banned from the World Cup, he’s also facing the prospect of a legacy based entirely on biting. He’s the Mike Tyson of football. And thanks to the speed of internet culture, Suarez has already inspired a collection of novelty products.
First came the Suarez bottle opener, which a host of manufacturers are furiously trying to push into production. “One bite and it’s open,” reads one advertisement. It’s hardly the tagline of the year, but then, they probably turned the entire marketing campaign around in half an hour.
Now, for the football-crazy S&M fan, Swedish company Oliver & Eva are selling nipple clamps with Suarez’s face on. Rather than looking aggressive and unpredictable, the mechanism splits his face open in a sort of Chelsea smile. It’s hard to know who would wince the most – the person with the chained tits or the twin Suarez’s attached to them, forced to suck on giant nipples.
It’s good to know that despite his absence on the pitch, Suarez is still able to inflict the same level of pain-infused pleasure. And why stop at bottle openers and nipple clamps? Product designers, why not cash in with these handy device ideas, while the bite is still raw.
Secateurs
The Suarez secateurs are just one in a line of speciality Suarez garden tools. Need to prune your chilli plant? Don’t use bog-standard secateurs. Use these much more effect Suarez secateurs.
Tweezers
The Suarez tweezers are an ideal way to remove unwanted hair. Just watch you don’t catch yourself. Although entirely unintended, the Suarez tweezers do have a tendency of catching skin. Also in the Suarez cosmetic range, nail clippers and razors.
Earrings
They might not be the most tasteful on the market, but they’re certainly different. The Suarez clip-on earrings are an ideal way of capturing that Pat Butcher-esque glamour without needing to pierce your ears. Consider the slight pinch a constant reminder of the fantastic football season.
Bread rolls
Give Suarez a taste of his own medicine with the Suarez bread rolls. He might be biting down on your ham and cheese, but it’s you who’ll be taking a chunk out of him in a second. Take that, Suarez!
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.