Happily ever after once meant a big white wedding, two children and a house with a picket fence – or so the story went. But marriage is no longer what it once was. It has come to encompass all manner of different relationships; it’s not always expected to last forever and it no longer necessitates monogamy.
In fact, RuPaul’s Drag Race star Michelle Visage has credited her ‘open relationship’ for making her marriage stronger. She has been married to David Case for 28 years and says they allow each other to do whatever they want in order to be happy.
Speaking on the 'Origins With Cush Jumbo' podcast, Visage revealed that she met her husband when she was 26 and they got married when she was 27. ‘I met him in New York City in Central Park, and I had just gotten out of a relationship that was like the love of my life, and he destroyed me,’ she explained. ‘After that, I had a summer of debauchery and then I met David in Central Park and he was so opposite. He was very much like Michael, my ex-fiancé.’
She went on to describe the secret to their healthy lasting relationship. ‘We live openly,’ Visage admitted, ‘so he would get off knowing that I was so happy and no matter what it is that I do, and I’m not just talking sexually.
‘Whatever it is, I don’t know if I have compersion in me to be really excited if he’s doing something with another woman, but I know that it exists.’ Compersion is often described as the opposite of jealousy – it is the joy someone feels from someone else’s happiness.
‘The full transparency of the way we live our lives. Sometimes it’s not even necessary, meaning we don’t do anything. It’s just the ability to be able to. And that works for us.’
The couple, who live together in California with their two daughters Lillie and Lola, have an otherwise conventional marriage. In previous anniversary posts on social media, Visage has called them ‘unstoppable’ and thanked her husband for his ‘love, kindness, patience, understanding, forgiveness, consciousness [and] teamwork.’ Meanwhile, Case said, ‘You keep me happy and in love every single day and I can’t imagine a moment of life without you.’
So, it clearly works for them, and they are not alone by any means. Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, while legally still married, have been separated since 2016. However, they have never followed the traditional script when it comes to their relationship.
Speaking to GQ in 2021, Smith said, ‘For the legal part of our relationship, monogamy was what we chose, not thinking of monogamy as the only relationship perfection. We have given each other trust and freedom, with the belief that everybody has to find their own way. And marriage for us can’t be a prison.’ Pinkett Smith echoed this sentiment on Facebook and wrote, ‘Will and I both can do whatever we want, because we trust each other to do so.’
Country music icon Dolly Parton and her husband Carl Dean, for their part, have adopted a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy, and they have been married for just under 60 years. The singer once said, ‘If we cheat, we don’t know it, so if we do cheat, it’s very good for both of us. I don’t want to know it if he’s cheating on me. If I’m cheating on him, he wouldn’t want to know. And if we do, if that’s what’s making it work, then that’s fine too.’
Another advocate for open relationships is Big Little Lies star Shailene Woodley who has been in both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships before. ‘I think we’re in a day and age where there should be no rules except for the ones designed by two people in a partnership – or three people, whatever floats your boat!’ She told The New York Times, ‘But there has to be a level of responsibility in any relationship dynamic and that relationship is simply honesty and communication and trust.’
Despite being separated since 2016, Angelina Jolie once alluded to the fact that she and Brad Pitt did not have restrictions in their marriage. Speaking to Das Neue, she said, ‘I doubt that fidelity is absolutely essential for a relationship. It’s worse to leave your partner and talk badly about him afterwards. Neither Brad nor I have ever claimed that living together means to be chained together. We make sure that we never restrict each other.’
Even Lizzo has called monogamy ‘a little claustrophobic’. She told The Breakfast Club radio show, ‘I think a love relationship that’s not monogamous has no rules. I think people who do poly and all that stuff – there’s still rules. I don’t want any rules. That doesn’t mean I’m out here f*cking and s*cking and ducking. It doesn’t mean he is either. It just means that there are no expectations, and that way, the love gets to just be the main event.’
Open relationships are not a new phenomenon – nor is this by any means an exhaustive list. Still, it’s refreshing to hear celebrities talk openly about their unconventional marital arrangements and what works for them. We may be a long way off non-monogamy being part of the mainstream, or indeed part of the traditional template for a perfect life, but if it allows couples to prioritise their happiness then that’s no bad thing.
Nikki Peach is a writer at Grazia UK, working across pop culture, TV and news. She has also written for the i, i-D and the New Statesman Media Group and covers all things TV for Grazia (treating high and lowbrow shows with equal respect).