Zayn Malik’s hair. A concept as ever-changing as the wind, and just as hard to predict. Today, for the first and probably not the last time, Zayn’s ‘lid’ has made headline news as he was spotted on his mum Trisha's Instagram feed with not a single hair on his beautiful little head.
Hair hasn’t been such a big deal since Hillary Clinton used hers as a campaign tactic or Adriana Grande stepped out rocking the slicked back pony (which, FYI, Zane has been known to favour). We take a look at the trajectory of Zayn’s zaney (I’m so, SO sorry) new do’s since he left One Direction, from the Old Faithful Man Bun right through to the Lex Luther.
The Sisqo
On a personal note, there’s only one definitively white haired rapper out there worth emulating and that, my friends, is of course, Sisqo of misogynistic Thong Song fame. Drop the mic.
The Harry
Swoons and fits of jealousy were reported from the Directioner camp when Zayn was seen sporting a man-bun as he jetted off to France with his then fiancée, Perrie Edwards of Little Mix in March 2015. There’s only one man in the world who can do a man-bun like our Zayn: his ex-bandmate Harry Styles has ‘made it his own’ as Louis Walsh would say (vom). Perhaps this style was the last hurrah of Zayn’s 1D career and a homage to his pal Harry. Or perhaps he just wanted to keep those luscious locks out of his eyes while tanning on his jollies. I fear, the answer will remain exclusively between Zayn and his stylist.
The Furiosa
In a hair styling move as drastic as Kim K’s blonde ambition a little while ago, Zayn appeared at the Asian Awards in April 2015 looking significantly lighter in the hair department. The Zayn mane is no more. Enter, the buzz cut: the global identifier of the bad boy. You meet a guy with a buzzcut and you just know he’s smoked cigarettes that you can legally by in shops. (I jest, but I’m actually a sucker for the whole jarhead hair vibe – especially when you stroke said buzzcut the wrong way up a guy’s head and it feels nice and makes you turn all giddy… I digress.) The restyle surely represents a two-finger salute to boy band fashion tropes. It also kinda resembles Imperator Furiosa’s hair do in Mad Max: Fury Road, the heroine who was played by Charlize Theron. We really, really hope we aren’t reading too much into this and that Zayn’s choice of hairstyle was a nod to female empowerment and strength.
The Joker
Ahhhhh, the green dye job of June 2015. The anarchy! In a style reminiscent of Jared Leto’s Joker – minus Chelsea smile and white facepaint, thankfully - Zayn really puts the nail in the coffin of the whole co-ords 1D style. Although it was rather bonkers, we applaud Zayn for bravery. After all, a dye job is never something to be undertaken lightly and all those who do should be given the upmost moral support by everyone regardless of how strange it looks. Who knows, he may actually be a huge fan of 90s acid punk and want to exhibit that with pride. Or maybe he digs the environment. Either way, this style marks the end of Zayn Malik, tweeny heartthrob, as decided by us. Plus, the opportunity for a rhyming hashtag really should never be turned down; thankfully Perrie had it all under control with her #GreenHairDontCare tweet.
The Eminem
Remember when Zayn went all 8 Mile on us and bleached his hair white only days after the green era began!? Cue an onslaught of Eminem comparisons. I only hope Eminem seriously considered reshooting the video for The Real Slim Shady so he could invite Zayn along to casting.
The Lex Luther
Then, Zayn once again got our hearts racing wildly with what is really a very small amount of hair. He took the plunge and went blonde. The hair was in fact SO blonde that it almost resembles no hair at all, a la, Lex Luther. But the younger, shiny-headed Smallville Lex. Not the movie Lex. D’uh. They say blondes have more fun. It’s pretty certain brunette Zayn wasn’t having a whale of a time as he supposedly got all weepy on stage in his last 1D performance in Japan (bless!) Here’s to blonde bringing Zayn all the solo fun he can handle.
The Uncle Fester
Never could anyone made the Uncle Fester look good. It was a bold choice (lololol) to go with, but of course, Zayn can and will pull it off as if he has been hairless the whole god damn time. The news broke over on his mum Trisha's Instagram where she posted a picture of herself planting a kiss on his rather dramatically clean shaven head. Gigi was there too. Her hair is pretty much the same.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.