As you might be able to tell from Miley Cyrus’s last few Instagram posts, plus the songs where she talks about smoking weed, the stage shows where she wears marijuana-leaf adorned catsuits and the general extolling of the virtues of a big bifter before bed, the girl likes her weed. Looking at these kaleidoscopic collections of messy colour and experiments with texture, all put together on iPhone apps, we got to thinking; what are the other things you only do when you’re stoned? If you don’t have special apps with which to re-formulate your selfies based on an aesthetic principle of looking really trippy? What would Miley be up to if she suddenly smashed her phone one day and still got stoned?
And just in case you’re sensible and don’t think we should be advocating a bit of 420, count the below very much as ‘reasons to give up your weed habit’.
1. Sharing entire buckets of KFC with one other person
Whether munchies are legit or if you simply get so stoned you don’t give a crap what you’re ingesting, you end up buying the greasiest, fattiest food in the world. You’re also grateful that those Cadbury’s bags are new and so therefore come with no time-honoured etiquette or code of conduct that dictates it’s frowned upon to eat an entire packet to yourself… yet.
2. Watch the iTunes visualiser as if it’s a real thing
When animal nature programmes just won’t do it for you – the sex scenes are gross and the potential for visceral imagery of herbivores being hacked into bloody pieces is enough to make you spin out – it’s very pleasing to watch one simple visualiser making eye-pleasing patterns. It’s a lot like when our forebears in the stoner universe would chuckle over Magic Eye drawings, except we don’t have to get sore eyes and an extra bit of queasy to see some exciting stuff.
3. Write down your random thoughts because you think they’re amazing
Harking back to that time you were taught that Coleridge wrote Kubla Khan as he emerged from an opium dream, you’re convinced that you have untapped genius in your brain unleashed only by the merging of THC with your blood cells. So you smoke a bit and then get profound, worried, then giggly about worrying, then worried about giggling, reach for some water, sip it until your mouth no longer has the texture of Weetabix, then you write stuff down. You write and write and write and maybe punctuate with some smiley faces. The next morning, when you eventually drag yourself out of bed at 11am, you’ve written two lines about being thirsty.
4. Write ‘crispy bacon never forgets’ over and over on the wall
We heard someone did this once.
5. Stare at wallpaper convincing yourself you’re going to die
Warning: don’t eat hash brownies like they’re pudding, people. They are not pudding, they are drugs and they will leave every pore of your being unable to function. This is known as paranoia, pranging out, sketching out, freaking out and then, sadly, pulling a whitey.
6. Make up nicknames
Stoners must do this, right? Because there are tens of nicknames for the stuff – weed, Mary J, Mary Jane, puff, hash, chronic, pot, ganja, wacky backy, green, bud, kush – it’s evident that inbetween paranoia and the giggles, stoners talk a lot. Despite this, it’s not known for being a conversation stimulant of a drug in the same way that cocaine is. However, our scientific research says that, the reason why coke heads can’t ever get round to discussing many names for coke beyond Charlie, chang, coke and gak, is because, although they’re not talking a lot, they’re talking very little about anything but themselves at this point.
Follow Sophie on Twitter @sophwilkinson
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.