Earlier this week, Lena Dunham was facing accusations that she had sexually abused her younger sister when they were younger following a particularly honest portion of her memoir, Not That Kind Of Girl, was pored over by Kevin D. Williamson. The writer for the National Review – an ‘up-to-the-minute conservative’ American website – accused Lena's behaviour of being 'considered child abuse under many jurisdictions'. Her and her sister, Grace, have denied this, and Lena issued an apology to anyone who was upset or triggered by her anecdotes: ‘Childhood sexual abuse is a life-shattering event for so many, and I have been vocal about the rights of survivors. If the situations described in my book have been painful or triggering for people to read, I am sorry, as that was never my intention.’
There have been a whole gamut of responses, but one Tumblr particularly piqued our interests, because we felt a lot of girls could relate. The site, ThoseKindsOfGirls, a riff on the name of Lena’s book, is full of submissions from young women describing their stories of sexualised behaviour when a lot younger.
In them, women speak about how they ‘masturbated’ aged 5, played ‘kiss chase’ with friends and rubbed up against things before they properly knew what sex was. As important as getting it all out there can be, we thought we’d find out exactly where those ‘sexual’ childhood experiences come from and what they really mean.
‘It’s fine for young children to show each other their genitals,’ Says Dr Janice Hiller, a psychologist from the Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships, continuing: ‘it’s recognised as a part of childhood development.’
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One argument following the Dunham abuse accusationshas been that young girls should be allowed to touch themselves, but are shamed out of doing it in a way boys aren’t. Where does this difference come from? ‘Boys touch their penises in order to urinate. They touch them, they see them, they urinate, that’s what they’re taught to do,’ Dr Hiller explains, before continuing: ‘There’s not a recognised way for girls to touch themselves, other than to wipe themselves. So girls don’t usually touch themselves, but there’s no reason why they shouldn’t explore their openings. They’re them, and they can feel them, it’s just there’s no desexualised reason for them to touch themselves.’
This only is an issue if the child isn’t taught it’s somethings are to be kept in private: ‘What does become problematic is those behaviours in public. In a healthy family situation a parent would say “I know that feels nice, but that’s not for now.”’
What about girls who get told off aged 4 for touching themselves? What are the long term effects of that? ‘It’s potentially damaging for a child to feel like there’s something negative about her body. If it goes on a lot, we do see adults struggling with their own sexual expression because they’ve had powerfully negative messages at a young age.’
This internalised shame manifests in many ways: ‘Sexual problems, finding it hard to relax, to have pleasure, to feel comfortable, they can get phobic reactions.’
So is a sort of prepubescent masturbation legit? We figure it’s normal, but is it ok?
‘It’s totally normal, but we don’t call it masturbation until they have a fantasy with it. We call it ‘self-stimulation’ because it feels nice. We only call it masturbation once there’s an associated fantasy or aim or a thought about another person or relationship.’
Right so that’s the difference – the child doesn’t have the connect between sex and that feeling, they just know that wanking feels nice.
A brief survey of The Debrief office throws up that we all made our toys have sex with each other at some point whether it was clacking our Barbies together, or just piling My Little Ponies onto each other. Surely this behaviour is ok?
‘It’s totally normal for children to play those sort of games.’
So, finally, when does this sort of behaviour get really problematic? ‘It depends on the parents’ and teachers’ reactions. When it gets to inserting objects into each other. Or when a child has seen sexual material that they’re not at an age to process it.’
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So if there’s one positive to take from this Lena Dunham furore it’s that young women are talking about their youthful sexual experiences and realising that exploring your sexuality as a child is not only important but totally normal, and not gross even if you are a girl (shock, horror!). However, if, looking back, you think some of your sexual experiences or explorations at a young age were damaging, or have had a long-lasting effect on you, there is help out there. Young women should be able to talk about their sexual experiences with one another and not feel a stigma or shame surrounding it, but it’s also important for us to realise what safe and unsafe sexual behaviour is, and if any particular moments from our childhood might have had ongoing effects that get in the way with our wellbeing now.
*If you think you might have been affected by sexual abuse as a child (or as an adult), get in touch with Rape Crisis, a charity that can offer further help *
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.