Today marks step 345 in the most famous family in the world’s mission to take over every last column inch and social media post you’ll ever see on your computer ever – the Kardashian family have released apps. One for each child. Except Kourtney, whose app is coming later this year, and Rob. Which is a shame. Because that’s an app we'd like to see.
Anyways.
All the apps require registration and a subscription of £2.29 a month. You do get a seven-day free trial with each one, but good luck remembering to cancel that before the first payment comes out.
In the interest of saving money, I took one for the team and signed up to each app to find out which one’s got the best stuff. Basically, I pumped nearly ten quid into the Kardashian empire and signed myself up for a lifetime’s supply of Kardashian Spam Email Korrespondance so you didn’t have to.
Here’s what the apps are about.
Kylie’s App
What she says on her opener video: ‘Hey guys, the app is finally ready. I have spent so much time trying to make this the dopest place for you guys to come to see make-up tutorials (‘I never get tired of glamming!’). I’ll show you my house, fashion, everything, looks for less. [There’s] so much fun stuff and I keep thinking of new fun ideas and I just want to connect with you guys more. Here’s the perfect place for you to come to learn more about me.’
What we say: There’s a ‘radio’ (Kylie is currently listening to Spooky Black Break My Heart, which is actually a very lovely song. There’s the ‘Looks’ section where Kylie posts pictures of herself and tells you where to purchase her look for less. Then there’s the ‘Lyfe’ section which, as well as being spelled incorrectly, doesn’t seem to have anything in it. How am I meant to know how to live my lyfe, Kylie?
ALSO, I got a little notification that said ‘Kylie Is Live’ and, when I clicked on it, it linked to a live stream of Kylie putting a pair of sunglasses on and then taking them off. ‘Glasses or no glasses?’ she asked. ‘Let me know on Twitter.’
In short: Kylie’s app makes you buy clothes.
Kendall Jenner’s App
What she says: ‘Hi guys, I’m so excited to welcome you guys to my new app. I hope you guys like it.’
What we say: So there’s the ‘Life’ section, which houses a blog about what Kendall’s up to in the modelling world. She says: ‘I always get a little nervous (during fashion week). I almost forget how to walk and then I’m good.’ Which is handy for a runway model. Anyways, it’s a nice insight into what she’s up to. Then there’s articles on things like ‘Cleaning out my Closet’ which are actually kind of fun.
In the ‘Model’ section, there’s an overview of her modelling campaigns and she gives a little blurb about each one. The ‘Style’ section is similar to Kylie’s ‘Looks} section: it’s a place you can buy Kendall’s look for less.
In short: Kendall’s app fills you in on a streamlined version of her life. And makes you buy clothes.
Kim Kardashian West’s App
What she says: ‘Hey guys it’s Kim. My new app is full of so many amazing new features and I can’t wait for you to see. There’s make up tutorials with members of my glam team, exclusive behind the scenes videos and never before seen photos of me, my friends and family. I’ll also be able to live stream and answer all your questions and there’ll be lots of fun fashion and beauty content. I can’t wait to see you soon.’
What we say: The beauty tutorials look kind of OK – there’s a contouring one and a strobing one. Obviously, the products used are mentioned in a ‘you should probably buy these’ kind of way. But other than that, if you didn’t know what YouTube was, the tutorials could come in handy. The ‘Style’ section is, again, a place to get Kim’s ‘look for less’. Then there’s a few other sections where Kim names her favourite beauty products so you can buy them.
In short: Kim’s app is to make you buy clothes and make-up.
Khloe Kardashian’s App
What she says: ‘Hi everybody I wanted to say thank you so much this is something that I’ve been really passionate about. I want you guys to take a day in my life. Fitness, lifestyle, beauty… just adventure! I look forward to all you guys coming and checking it out with me every single day.
What we say: Obviously Khloe is the best sister and so it makes sense that her app is the best (and most useful). There’s plenty of videos – including how to stack cookies in an aesthetically pleasing way in a cookie jar (includes where to buy said cookie jar). There’s also a vlog on how to avoid the haters in your friendship group. There’s fitness videos too and, obviously, how to buy Khloe’s look for yourself both in the gym, and IRL.
In short: Khloe’s app is fun for the videos. And makes you buy sportswear.
In summary
Pay £10 to be told to buy things you can’t afford.
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
Kylie Jenner’s Got A Good Point To Make About Our Attitude Towards Turning 18
Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.