Kate Middleton’s in labour! The royal womb is finally contracting! We’re all destined to spend the next 2/4/36 hours on tenterhooks, waiting for her to push an 8lb sentient being out of her vagina. Which, come to think about it, is an awful lot of pressure on her in what’s already a fairly stressful situation.
So while we’re waiting, let’s play childbirth bingo! Score a point for every one of these clichés you spot in the media today. Or do a shot, depending on how long this goes on for. The winner gets a bit of royal umbilical cord. Maybe.
‘The birth is progressing normally’
Mainly because that’s the only tangible information we’re ever going to get from the royal spokesperson. They’re never going to admit that six hours in. Kate is now offering to swap her royal title and William’s sovereign for ‘half a pethidine just to get me through.’
‘But will it be a boy or a girl?’
Well done, newspapers, it’s definitely going to be one or the other.
‘William will be holding Kate’s hand’
Hey guys, we know it's 2015, but the idea that a leading member of the royal family will actually be present at the birth of his child has blown our tiny minds. Apparently.
‘Harry will NOT be present at the birth’
We need to be told this, even though the idea that your brother-in-law might be present while you expel an entire person from your womb is totally horrifying. Especially given that he’ll insist on filming the whole thing on Periscope while cracking onto the nurses with tales of his totally rad gap yah.
‘But who’s looking after George?’
Probably his grandparents, or his nanny, or one of his zillions of royal protection officers. Definitely not Pippa though. We need to know this because we’re all very concerned that Kate and William will have lost their shit entirely at the sight of her waters breaking and left him on his own with nothing but a box of crayons to eat.
‘Kensington Palace is on this Twitter contraption, don't you know?’
The fact that Kensington Palace will be updating on the royal birth via Twitter also blows our minds. Even though that’s a highly sensible and practical way of conveying a simple piece of information to a large number of people quickly.
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Kate Middleton Will Go Into Labour Whenever The Baby Likes Thanks
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.