The Jeremy Clarkson Ride (Gross) And Other Amusements That’ll Probably Be At The New BBC Theme Park

Including the Arctic Roll-ercoaster and whack-a-mole Apprentice-style


by Jess Commons |
Published on

Good news telly fans: the BBC are opening up their very own theme park!

The new park, due to open in 2020 in Kent is apparently due to combine ‘the glamour of Hollywood with the best of British culture’, which erm, you know, sounds very classy.

Anyways, here’s a few rides we’re hoping exist.

The Fall (Into My Beautiful Arms)

You all like The Fall right? Gillian Anderson is obviously like, the best, but dreamy dreamy Jamie Dornan doesn’t exactly hurt the proceedings. How about a ride, nay, experience that involves you running down a long hallway with Jamie Dornan chasing after you – although, like, withou,t like, the murdering, obviously. Pretty sure he’s got nothing big lined up so a career as a character actor at a theme park is probably a welcome career break for the poor chap.

The Great British Bake Off Arctic Rollercoaster

The big hitter of the park: enter your tart-shaped car to start yourself off on a journey of loop the loops, twisty twists and sharp left bends in between giant polystyrene models of black forest gateaux and Victoria sponges. The very scariest bit is when Mary Berry drops down from the ceiling and threatens you with a very realistic looking rolling pin.

The Spinning Voice Of Doom

Go on admit it, how much would you like to have a go on those spinny round chairs in the The Voice. Yeah, well, how about a whole RIDE based on those bad boys? Loosely inspired by the age-old spinning teacups ride made popular by amusement park attendees too pussy to go on the grown-up rides, this rotating ride involves being seated in a chair from The Voice and spinning around at a speed to suit you. Ex-members of 5ive are swapped in at regular intervals to serenade ride users with hits from the 5ive Megamix.

I Forgot How To (S)Top Gear

We’d all love to have a go at spinning around that race track on Top Gear in a crappy car, wouldn’t we? Well now you can, with the racing game based on *Top Gear’*s popular celebrity-based feature. It’s essentially Go Karting, except, for a few quid more, you can hire a headset that’ll bark the most offensive Jeremy Clarkson lines into your delicate ears.

You’re Fired Up

An early prototype of this ride was quickly shut down after it was found that regular people were able to complete with much success any single one of the tasks Lord Sugar’s Apprentices have struggled so much with over the years. Now back on the drawing board, this Apprentice-themed amusement looks set to be a whack-a-mole-esque game featuring Stuart ‘The Brand’ Baggs and other much-hated contestants from the past nine years. Rumour has it this year’s Daniel Lassman has made the shortlist and is a strong candidate to make the final cut of people we’d like to batter with a hammer.

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Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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