Goop is many things - a wellness market leader, a vagina steaming stan and a crystal expert - but what it’s not is relatable. Proof of this fact came neatly packaged today in their latest Christmas gift guide.
The website, which was founded by Gwyneth Paltrow, listed 12 different gift lists for each type of person in your life. There's The Host Gift Guide, The Under 18 Gift Guide, The Dreamer Gift Guide, The Personalized Gift Guide, The Lover Gift Guide, The Health Nut Gift Guide, The Stocking Stuffer Gift Guide, The Cook Gift Guide, The Traveler Gift Guide, The Animal Lover Gift Guide, The Guy Gift Guide and The Ridiculous, But Awesome Gift Guide. If you were to buy everything, it would set you back a cool £4.5 million.
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Over at Casa Goop kids are spoilt! The ‘under 18 gift guide’ includes Christian Louboutin shoes for toddlers (!) costing £190. While older kids can enjoy a Onewheel and Ultracharger all-season snowboard for only (LOL) £1,135.
Undoubtedly the most adorable section, the ‘animal lover’ guide is utterly absurd. Fancy giving some the gift of a £1,137 chicken coop?! That said, we’re particularly interested in the private telephone reading with a pet psychic for a mere £227 (undisclosed if that’s per minute or per call)!
Offering a ‘healthy serving of gold’, Goop’s personalised gift guide runs the gambit from custom Fender guitars (£1,326), to jewellery, charger packs and valet trays to £17,291 watches.
For the host, Goop recommends gifting caviar, a set of cheese knives or a Roman and Williams Guild Bar Cart for £7,009.
If you’re the type of person who would enjoy a ‘private desert sound bath’ then you fall neatly into the ‘dreamer’ section. Send this list to your family if you’re after a backgammon set (£75), sun potion pills (£27) or TED conference tickets (£3,792).
If you’re a self-described ‘health nut’, then Gwyneth has catered to both your ‘high-tech’ and ‘analog’ needs. Though it would be an unusual present to receive, Gwyneth suggests giving an Elvie pelvic floor trainer wouldn't be impolite. Not your bag? Then consider a private breath workshop session with Ashley Neese.
In the ‘stocking stuffer,’ section Goop has gathered gifts that come in under $100. But, don’t go thinking these are your bog-standard filler presents, for Goop’s rounded up collagen powder packets, Voltaire pipes and Amborella Organics Seed-Bearing Lolly Pops. At least you can be sure, your gift won’t be something they already own!
Scrolling further down leads to the ‘cook gift’ edit of ‘gourmet deliveries, tools, and cooking aids’. Gwyneth and her cohort suggest gifting hand carved spoons (£120), a set of cookware for £380 or a priceless Vietnamese cooking class at the Four Seasons hotel at the Nam Hai, which doesn’t include the plane fare, soz.
Frequent flyers are catered for by the ‘traveler’ guide. From heeled ankle boots for £398 (because, why not) to priceless tickets to the 2020 Olympics, it’s really just the essentials ya’know.
Ensuring your cuffing season goes off without a hitch, the ‘Lovers’ section is enough to make Christian Grey blush. For there are designer sex toys and boudoir photo sessions, luxury paddles and whips lining this wishlist.
Because Goop genders gifts, there’s a ‘Guy’ section that’s ‘packed with everything from the best Bluetooth headphones to new-dad essentials to non-toxic deodorant’. Gwyneth says buy your dad £575 tent or a Rolex of £7,000.
If all of this wasn’t ludicrous enough, there is a special list that’s called ‘The Ridiculous, But Awesome Gift Guide. Of course, it contains an at-home float tank (£12,500), a personal submarine (price on request), a private Belize island (£4.5 million) and a Judith Leiber Couture crystallised clutch bag shaped like a box of french fries (£4,319).
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.