You know it’s Christmas when Gwyneth Paltrow is suggesting you buy a travel backgammon set that costs $550. Yes, it’s time to rejoice because the Goop gift guide is here and it doesn’t disappoint. While they’ve ‘tried to keep as much as possible at the $100 mark... there are some splurges for your nearest and dearest’.
We wade in and select the best gifts you can pick up for the fam this yuletide, if you accidentally fall into a pot that contains millions of dollars. Or decide to spend triple your salary in the month of December for some reason...
A travel backgammon set that costs $550
Goop says: Hours of entertainment in a slick little case
We say: Yeah, we know we’ve mentioned it already, but it bears a second glance because it’s totally mental. Why would a travel game ever necessitate a transaction over a tenner, max? And sure, it’d better give you hours of entertainment for that sort of money. In fact, you’ll have to play it every time you ever set foot in a car. Or walk to the shops. Or traverse your own house.
A canvas trolley by Valentino that costs $4,545
Goop says: Yeah, right, but how cool is this?
We say: It’s a trolley. No, not a shopping trolley (that’d actually be cooler) but a wheelie bag you see nans putting their shopping in. So, erm, not that cool Gwyn.
A dinner plate that costs $102
Goops says: Stunningly hand-made (and super collectable)
We say: ONE PLATE.
A gold juicer that costs $4,739
Goop says: Absurd, but awesome.
We say: This is new levels of absurd that we can’t quite fathom. There’s getting a good juicer, then there’s dropping literally thousands for one that is gold. Maybe it also grows the fruit inside itself pre-juicing?
READ MORE: Why Are We All Trying To Live A Champagne Life On A Stella Artois Budget?
Water glasses that cost $495 each
Goop says: Almost too stunning to use (and best as a mismatched set)
We say: ALMOST?! DON'T TOUCH THEM. EVER. OTHERWISE YOU CAN PAY MY RENT THIS MONTH, THANKS. OH GOD WHY DID I DO THIS, I’M NEVER GETTING DRUNK AND GOING ON GOOP EVER AGAIN.
A necklace for your 12 to 14-year-old that costs $550
Goop says: We asked Lily, one of our favourite 14-year-olds, for the thing she’d die to own: a piece of Jennifer Meyer ‘out of every tweens budget’
We say: What tween actually refers to themselves as a tween? And talks like they write for a early 90s women’s magazine? We’re suspicious of the source material.
A watch for $4,300
Goop says: Tough but luxe
We say: Oh why the eff not, we just dropped over a hundred dollars for one plate and nearly five grand on a shit nan-trolley, so bollocks to it.
Like this? You might also be interested in...
Ask An Adult: Can I Really Teach Myself To Be Less Crap With Money?
This Programme Will Make You Feel Better About Your Tiny Bedroom
Follow Stevie on Twitter @5tevieM
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.