Happily drawn to scandal, the Hollywood machine is allegedly geared up for a Nigella Lawson biopic. Yes, already. And it gets better, because Angelina Jolie has apparently been slated for the lead role. ‘She’s been gripped like everyone else by all the drama surrounding Nigella these past few months and thinks she’s a remarkable woman,’ an insider has said of Ange’s potential involvement.
Now, if Angelina can play Grendel's mum in Beowulf, there's no doubt she can pull off the role of that other famously powerful, matriarchal figure, Nigella. However, it does seem a bit… rushed. Can a screenplay really be written and a film cobbled together while Nigella is still top tabloid fodder? As everyone’s in such a hurry, we've made a stab at casting the film to help the producers out:
The Grillo Sisters
Just as Lindsay Lohan has deteriorated since The Parent Trap, the CGI which doubled her into twins for the role has improved, which means that the possibility of getting Olivia Colman to play both Grillo sisters is very real. Emily Mortimer and Maggie Gyllenhaal could also do a good job playing each sister, just in case all of potential doubling-effects budget is spent on recreating Nigella and Charles's room of untouched silverware.
Charles Saatchi
Alan Rickman has exactly the right level of creepiness to play Charles Saatchi, but will have to spend at least three hours in hair each morning of shooting just to get that whiteboy Jheri curl perfected.
John Diamond
Nigella's late first husband, the one who encouraged her to do a bit of coke so he could have some fun in the latter part of his battle with cancer, will be played by James McAvoy. He might not look very much like him, but he is quite pale and has blue eyes and that's sort of enough for us.
Trinny Woodall
Great efforts will be made to bring Calista Flockhart out of hiding to play Charles's post-throat-grab girlfriend, but the role will eventually go to Meg Ryan.
Tracey Emin
As Saatchi tries to prepare his courtroom attack on Nigella's reputation, he will reveal a vulnerable side in flashbacks, where we see him being fairly kind to perhaps one of the only people who could vouch for him being a half-decent guy; Tracey Emin. Played by Kristen Stewart, it's the scowl that really carries the role.
The Burkini
Will be Chanel, obviously.
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Picture: Getty
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.