In Friends, everyone had their schtick. Joey was the ladykiller. Monica liked things clean. Ross got married a lot. And Phoebe? Phoebe was the artiste.
Phoebe Buffay's original songs raised many a smile in the ten years that Friends held the title of the world's favourite sitcom. She had a few jobs in between - she ran a catering company with Monica, volunteered as a street Santa, was a professional masseuse, and also used to mug people - but music was her true love. Smelly Cat was, obviously, her most famous composition, and one that almost launched her into showbusiness. But it was far from her only creation. In fact, she composed quite the opus.
Watch the show from episode one to episode 236 and you'll see that Phoebe wrote 53 songs. Not bad. Often, an episode that centres around Phoebe's music - like The One With Phoebe's Ex-Partner, when her old friend and nemesis Terry arrives to make amends, or The One After the Superbowl, when she is hired to sing for children - contain several songs. A treat for Phoebe fans. She also occasionally sung songs by other people, like the time she sung Endless Love with Chandler. But that doesn't really count, does it?
So, here's the list in order of appearance. Yes, we know that some of these songs are mere snatches. 'Stephanie', for example, starts and ends with 'Stephanie knows all the chords.' But we count them all, because a song doesn't have to be four minutes long you know. What's your favourite? Ours is Little Fetus.
Confused Favorite Thing from The Pilot
Love Song from The Pilot
Blackout from The One With The Blackout
Suicide and a Snowman from The One With The Monkey
My Mother's Ashes from The One With The Monkey
My Coma Guy from The One With Mrs Bing
Babies from The One With The Birth
They Found Their Bodies from The One With The Birth
Lather, Rinse, Repeat (the Shower Song) from The One With The Baby On The Bus
When I Play from The One With The Baby On The Bus
Double-Jointed Boy from The One with the Baby on the Bus
Stephanie from The One with the Baby on the Bus
Terry's A Jerk from The One with the Baby on the Bus
Smelly Cat from, among others, The One with the Baby on the Bus
Two of Them Kissed Last Night from The One With the List (remember? Will Betty be the one who he loves truly? Or will it be the one that we'll call... Looly?'
The Cow in the Meadow Goes Moo from The One After the Superbowl
Grandma from The One After the Superbowl
That's Another Thing That You Don't Wanna Do from The One After the Superbowl
Bisexuals from The One After the Superbowl
Crusty Old Man from The One Where Dr. Ramoray Dies
Sticky Shoes from The One With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Jingle Bitch from The One With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Crazy Underwear from The One With Ross' Thing
Sixty-Six Colors of My Bedroom from The One With The Jellyfish
Dumb, Drunken Bitch from The One With The Cat
My Sticky Shoe from The One With Joey's New Girlfriend (this is the episode where her cold affects her voice)
Parading Goats from The One With Joey's New Girlfriend
Papier-mâché Man from The One With Joey's New Girlfriend
Little Tiny Tarzan from The One Where Chandler Crosses The Line
Christmas Song from The One With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
Little Foetus from The One With The Embryos (rhyming 'foetus' with 'Adidas'? Bob Dylan could never.
Little Black Curly Hair from The One With Ross' Denial
Two Heart Attacks from The One That Could Have Been, Part 2
Addicted To Pork from The One With Monica's Thunder
First Time I Met Chandler from The One With Monica's Thunder
Whenever I Get Married from The One With Monica's Thunder
We Thought Phoebe Would Leave from The One With Monica's Thunder
Who Will Perform The Ceremony? from The One With Monica's Thunder
Ross Can! from The One With Monica's Boots
Argentina from The One With Rachel's Dream
The Woman Smelled Like Garbage from The One With Rachel's Dream
The Food Here At Javu from The One With Rachel's Dream
Swedish National Anthem from The One With The Fertility Test
Emma from The One With The Cake
When The Sun Comes Up from The Last One
Don't Let Love Fly Away from The Last One
As well as this selection, she's clearly written at least seven more. She doesn't sing them, but the titles come up in conversation. For example, she mentioned Salt Water Taffy Man in The One With The Chicken Pox, Pepper People in The One With Joey's New Girlfriend, Pervert Parade in The One With Ross' Inappropriate Song, Su-Su-Suicide in the One With The Baby On The Bus, and You Suck!, The Ballad of the Uncircumcised Man and Shut Up And Go Home, all in The One With Rachel's Dream.
Phoebe, you were the Joni Mitchell of the Nineties. We wish you had toured. Oh, also, we wish you were a real person.
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