Sorry guys, bad news. We’re well into 2014 and foodstagramming is definitely not going anywhere any time soon. Blame a rise in foodie culture or the Instagram epidemic, but either way: heavily filtered photographs of food are set to be our generation’s legacy. Our grandparents defeated fascism. We can make a cheese toastie look like art.
News just in from France though is that restaurateurs are trying to get it banned. But don't worry in Spain they’re setting up photography classes to help people learn how to take that perfect picture. As for us, we’re somewhere in the middle. While it’s all kinds of annoying having the guy next to you snapping away at his fast-cooling tortellini, there’s something gratifying in roasting the perfect chicken and sharing your domestic goddessery with the world. The trouble is, not everyone’s on the same wavelength as us. Some people out there have got this Instagramming lark very, very wrong. So here, to help them out, is our handy cut-out-and-keep guide on how to navigate the food art minefield.
Do team your food with a well-matched manicure
Perfect fruit, perfect nails. Top marks.
Don’t add ‘special effects’
Because go-faster flames are always lame. Especially on crisps.
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Do take a picture of your burger congratulating itself
Because if we looked that good, we’d do the same.
Don’t do this
Whatever this is.
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**Do organise your food neatly
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Because it looks nice, obvs.
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**Don’t bother if you're not going to make an effort
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Banana, biscuits, and what is that *celery? *Get out.
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**Don’t tell blatant lies
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Because this looks like a lot of things, but yummy certainly isn’t one of them.
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Don’t be overly generous with the hashtag #Foodart
Because this most certainly isn’t.
**Do check the background for obvious spoilers
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Because Muffykins really knows how to ruin a good fruit basket.
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**Don’t use it as a chance to prove how healthy you are
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Because all it makes us feel is seething hate.
**Do take photos of weird and wonderful foods
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Because they look cool. And that’s basically the point of Instagram.
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**Don’t post anything that looks like a maggot orgy
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Because food that resembles insects is always a bad idea. We kind of assumed that was a given. Until now.
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Don’t use it as a chance to show off your unbearably smug relationship
What’s the brown heart made of, dog food?
**Do make use of a sprightly tablecloth
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Because it looks like Betty Draper cooked for you.
**Do make sure your food is identifiable
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What is that, cream? Mayonnaise? Two balls of refrigerated sick? Not for us, cheers.
**Don’t try and put us off food forever
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That’s a chicken’s foot, by the way. Deep fried.
**Do make sure you get the filter right
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Because greying meat looks a whole lot like the first chapter of food poisoning.
**Do have a sense of humour
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Because it makes us want to come to yours for breakfast.
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But don’t expose your sadomasochistic tendencies through the medium of meat
Because we’ll have to hide the knives.
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For a dish that's properly Foodstagrammable, check out this dish here.
Follow Jess on Twitter @jess_commons
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.