She’s been in the highest grossing film franchise of all time, had modelling contracts with Burberry and Lancome, runs incredible feminist campaign HeForShe and has a degree from Browns – bow down to Watson, and we hope she has an incredible 25th birthday. Wait, she’s 25? But all I’ve done is get a stable job and learn how to do my laundry without leaving it in the drum for three days and having to rewash it. And I’m 27 in a month.
Hey, if you’re also feeling like you’ve done nothing with your life – then stop right now. Because there’s so much stuff that you can do every day, that she’ll never be able to do. From asking barmen for free drinks on your birthday, right through to skinny dipping, celebrate Emma Watson but also celebrate yourself, too, and thank god you're not as famous as she is.
Asking for a free drink because it’s your birthday – and getting it
Surely the best part of having a birthday is gently harassing the barman (or woman) into giving you a free woo woo. Or wine. Or coffee. Unfortunately, if Emma Watson asked for this, she’d be branded a cheapskate considering she could probably buy the entire bar.
**Wake up in the morning with a pie **
After a Debrief night out (as well as filming Drunk Makeup), Chemmie, our editorial assistant, fell asleep in bed next to an uneaten pie and chips, then woke up with pie, chips and sauce all over her bedcovers. Emma Watson can’t do this, because Emma Watson has a higher thread count than you.
**Wake up in the morning next to someone you don’t know **
One night stands sort of lose their shine if the person is snapchatting a picture of your to all their mates with the caption ‘I BANGED EMMA WATSON’.
**Get drunk and spend the evening joke-thrusting on people **
Or don’t drink and spend the evening joke-thrusting on people. Emma Watson will never know the joy of the joke-thrust (for further information, see me between 12pm and 3am once a month on a non-specified dance floor with free entry), because everyone would immediately take photos of her and sell them to The Sun. What else is Drunk In Love for? Serious dancing? Oh come off it.
**Lie in a public park **
You wouldn’t be able to have a relax anywhere in a park because people would be taking pictures of you constantly. And they’d say things like, ‘Emma Watson looks sad in a park,’ and you’d be like, ‘I WAS RELAXING,’ and it’d be way more stress than it’s worth.
**Do group exercise classes **
I go to a high-intensity fitness class three times a week with my sister, and the trainer knows me by name because I shout, ‘OH FUCK’ really loudly and then apologise. I also can’t plank. It’s embarrassing enough having ten people stare at my woeful attempts to burpee, but if I was famous, I’d have to do one-on-one sessions and wouldn’t be able to get away with pretending to plank. I’d have to actually do it. Poor Emma Watson.
**Loudly call people twats **
Nigel Farage is a twat! Jeremy Clarkson is a twat! Guys... Taylor Swift is a twat! Obviously, I don’t think that, but I can still say it – and so can you – without it being headline news. Try it, now. Say someone is a twat and watch the relative lack of consequences (unless you’re in a library).
Tinder
Can you imagine the furore if Emma Watson tindered.
Drunk-tweet
There’s something satisfying about tweeting ‘BURPING AWAY ALL OVA TEH LAND’ when drunk, waking up the next day, and deleting it. It feels like you’re deleting the events of the previous night. If Emma Watson did this, it would be on the front page of the Daily Mail and thousands would have screenshotted it.
**Dress like Hermione **
We all have Hermione days in jeans, a top and free-flowing hair, but when Emma Watson does it, it’s like, ‘Oh my God you’re actually Hermione! Look! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.’
Refuse to tip bad service
The first time a waiter was a prick to you, and you asked him to remove the service charge, you felt like a real adult. An assertive woman of the world. Emma Watson's public image would probably never recover.
**Try wearing that mad cropped top that looks like a sunflower **
With disco pants. And wellies. If you’re really feeling a look, then by god go and rock that look – because poor Emma Watson has to go 1000% chic or her modelling contracters would freak out and Twitter would be full of people laughing at her. Today I’m wearing a top that looks a bit like a window. I’m certainly not pulling it off, but at least people aren’t writing about it in public places. Oh. Erm.
**Do a bar crawl dressed as something pathetic **
All students have pictures of themselves in some form of hilariously bad costume – whether it's a strawberry that looks nothing like a strawberry, a big chicken or a hotdog. Not Emma.
Be sad about a breakup
Sometimes it's liberating to totally wallow in the harrowing shitness of a breakup. Like crying in bars, going to the corner shop in pyjamas, not wearing makeup for three weeks, sort of wallowing. It makes you feel human, and free and horrifying, but sometimes it's good to stop worrying about everything else and just really sort out that aspect of your life. Emma Watson has to keep all the pain inside, and look really happy every time she's seen out - which has to be way worse.
Get locked out but totally climb through the window
There's genuinely nothing more satisfying than getting into your own house after thinking you'd be locked out forever, with the aid of a ladder and an open bathroom window. Sliding face first into a bath never felt so good. Poor Emma, she'll never know this joy for fear of making headlines.
Take some time out
Sometimes you realise it's all too much and that you want to go to Iceland for six months and be a waitress. Or you want to go back home with your mum and get looked after, because a boy was mean and everyone's mean and the world is a dick. No explanation necessary. If Emma wanted to do this, she'd have to call a press conference. Gross.
**Use a voucher **
Emma Watson will never know the joy of realising those vouchers you got through the post thanks to your Tesco Clubcard actually correlate to your weekly shop AND YOU HAPPENED TO BRING THEM WITH YOU. It's a beautiful, high-five-all-the-staff moment.
Stop and pick up tampons
A picture of Emma Watson buying tampons for a petrol station would probably go for £50million. Not sure about how much exactly, as I don't work in that industry but I feel pretty confident that's the correct figure.
**Nick things from hotels **
The first thing you do when you get into a hotel is jump on the bed, check the loo is nice, and then steal as much stuff as you can. Emma can't do this because a) she probably doesn't need to, so she'll never feel that 'sticking it to the man' emotion that gets us sooooo high and b) someone would definitely say something. Er, Hermione, have you got twelve soaps in all your pockets?
**Go to a gay bar **
If you go to a gay bar, you've gone to a gay bar - it could mean you're gay, it could mean you're straight and have gay friends, it could mean you've accidentally gone to a gay bar. If Emma Watson goes to a gay bar, then she's gay.
**Go skinny dipping **
One of those things on every bucket list, apparently getting nude in the sea/a pool is something every girl just HAS to try (I haven't). It wouldn't be worth the risk for Emma in case the paps had disguised themselves as fish. Or had just hidden behind a rock.
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Follow Stevie on Twitter: @5tevieM
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.