Cutest Speech, Worst Speech, Pizza, Pharrell And More: The Real Winners Of The Oscars

We watched The Oscars 2014, so you didn't have to...

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by Sophie Wilkinson |
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Last night, Los Angeles played host to The Oscars, and lots of people won awards, and lots of people didn't win awards, and lots of people crowded into Ellen DeGeneres's selfie. But here at The Debrief, to give you, um, a debrief of what went on last night – the tears, the dances, the yelps of screaming that Bono calls singing, here's our rundown of the real awards that should have been handed out:

The Award For Winning All The Awards - Gravity

Gravity
 

Gravity got all grabbity with the awards, scooping a momentous seven of the prizes, including Best Director for Alfonso Cuaron (above), who arguably should have won yonks ago with his post-apocalyptic thriller Children Of Men.

**The Best Critique Of Hollywood Award – Cate Blanchett **

Accepting the Best Actress award for her role in Blue Jasmine, Cate Blanchett thanked all of her fellow nominees, telling Julia Roberts to #suckit, before launching into a specific and important critique of Hollywood: ‘And perhaps those of us in the industry who are still foolishly clinging to the idea that female films with women at the centre are niche experiences, they are not. Audiences wanna see them, and in fact, they earn money. The world is round, people.’

The Award For Looking Younger Than Kate Hudson – Goldie Hawn

Presenting one of the best film nominee segments, Goldie Hawn's fuck-me hair and sultry glances put her – at a squint through our caffeine-addled eyes – at about 33, tops. Which makes her look a year younger than her daughter, the equally beautiful Kate Hudson.

The Worst Speech Award – Matthew McConaughey

In his acceptance speech for Best Actor for his role as an HIV-suffering hustler in Dallas Buyers Club, Matthew explained that he'll never be the hero he wants to be. Which is fine by us. He doesn't need to save the planet or stop Godzilla from invading, or defeat aliens, or jetpack his way from one space station to the next. No, all he needs to do is deliver a decent speech, which, um… he couldn't seem to manage to do, losing our attention pretty soon after he thanked God.

The Worthy-Yet-Worth-It Speech Award – Steve McQueen

Accepting 12 Years A Slave's award for Best Picture, British director Steve McQueen read his speech from a piece of paper, but then lowered it to explain, solemnly: 'Everyone deserves not just to survive, but to live. This is the most important legacy of Solomon Northup [the man whose troubled life the film is based on]. I dedicate this award to all the people who have endured slavery and the 21 million people who still suffer slavery today.'

He then turned to his cohorts – including Brad Pitt, Lupita Nyong'o, Michael Fassbender, Paul Dano and Benedict Cumberbatch, and jumped for joy at winning the night's most coveted award.

Cutest Speech Award – Robert Lopez and Kristen Anderson Lopez

You might not have heard of Robert Lopez and Kristen Anderson Lopez, but the married couple wrote the song* Let It Go* for the film Frozen. Accepting their award with a rhyme, it's little wonder they were so jubilant and breathless: Robert is, at 38, the youngest person to win a EGOT: an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar and a Tony.

The Nice Save Award – Angelina Jolie

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Walking to the podium with a frail-looking Sidney Poitier, Angelina Jolie (who'd previously won a humanitarian award from the Academy) presented the award for Best Director, but it became clear that Sidney couldn't read what was on the note in the envelope. Angelina stepped up, saying, ‘Do you want me to get this one?’ quashing any semblance of awkwardness the we might have been feeling. The same can't be said for when a slick-wigged John Travolta failed to pronounce Idina Menzel's name.

The Magic FM Magic Moments Award – Bette Midler

The in memoriam tribute montage ended on a still of the recently deceased Philip Seymour Hoffman, and immediately Bette Midler took to the stage to sing The Wind Beneath My Wings. If we hadn't desiccated our bodies with lattes and pro plus, we definitely would have wept.

The ‘I Came Dressed As The Dancing Lady Emoji’ Award – a tie between Pink and Karen O

Pink caused a stir on social media by singing a throaty version of Somewhere Over The Rainbow, but we quite liked it. Especially because she, like Karen O, who also performed her song from the film* Her*, came dressed as our favourite emoji, the dancing lady in red.

Most Obvious Standing Ovation – Jared Leto

Fresh from winning his Best Supporting Actor award, silken-haired, snazzy-suited Jared stood up to cheer U2 on their Mumford & Sons impression (OK, they were singing Ordinary Love from the Mandela film). His inability to conceal his desire for 30 Seconds To Mars to support U2 on some impending squealy stadium tour makes us think he might not quite be worthy of that Oscar.

Most Obvious Filler Award - the pizza

Not only was it there for Ellen to fill time while the stage was readied for performances and awards presenters to get to their marks, but the running pizza gag did literally fill up some of Hollywood's finest's bellies. A pregnant Kerry Washington, an earringed Harrison Ford and Jennifer Lawrence all tucked into slices of pizza distributed by host Ellen DeGeneres, while Leonardo DiCaprio and Sandra Bullock refused the offer. Big boss producer Harvey Weinstein and Brad Pitt later coughed up for the pies, with Lupita Nyong’o unable to donate anything other than her Clarin’s lipbalm.

Best Performance - Pharrell

Wearing a black leather version of that Vivienne Westwood hat, as well as a matching Adidas zip-up and some ruby shoes, Pharrell sang Happy along with a load of smiley people, danced with Lupita, boob-shimmied with Meryl, then went on to twirl with Amy Adams. Oh Amy. One day we'll know you by just one name.

Follow Sophie on Twitter @sophwilkinson

Pictures: Getty

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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