Following news that Cressida (pronounced Cress-ee-da, fact-fans) Bonas, girlfriend of one Prince Harry, has just moved to Shepherd’s Bush, we want to work out WTF she’s going to do there. Home to flyovers, gig venues and Westfield shopping centre, it’s not the most obvious of local areas for an aspiring princess. It has been noted by the Great British Press that more princessy locations include Kensington, Chelsea and Fulham.
So, WTF can Cressida Bonas do in Shepherd’s Bush?
She can hide in Walkabout
You wouldn’t think that Walkabout would be the most secretive of venues, but if she were to find herself chased by paps, she could do worse than to skip into the Australian-themed pub. They can be so loud and annoying that they work as a deterrent to people in the local area. Like those high-pitched mosquito alarms they have outside off licences to get teenagers to stop loitering. To convince fellow Walkabout punters that she’s also Australian, all she would have to do? Would be to talk? Like every sentence is a question? And everyone would believe she is Australian.
She can go to loads of gigs
The Shepherd’s Bush Empire is, basically, the best thing about Shepherd’s Bush, and you can see loads of gigs there. In the next few months, Courtney Love, Nina Nesbitt and Clean Bandit are all booked in to play. Matt Cardle is, too. But don’t pay attention to that bit. Shhh.
She can see BBC Television Centre before it gets knocked down
The Grade-2 listed building has been sold to make lots of money for the BBC. What will happen to it next is unclear, but it looks like most of the studios will be demolished to make way for flats. Maybe a flat for dear Cressy?
**She can go to all manner of chain restaurants **
Having been spotted at Zizzi and Byron, the couple is no stranger to chain restaurant fare (Harry’s also a fan of Nando’s, he's been snapped collecting a takeaway). So they’re in luck. Not only does shopping mall behemoth Westfield have a smattering of chain restaurants, but there’s a Pizza Express, a McDonald’s, a KFC and a Subway very nearby. And down the way at nearby Goldhawk Road there’s a place called ‘Irish Meat Market’, which sounds like an experience if not a promise of a nice meal.
**She can club in a toilet **
A converted Edwardian toilet under Shepherd’s Bush Green is now ‘one of London’s best clubs’ according to The Times. Well, we say* is*, because that’s what it says on Ginglik’s website. However, the website also says that the club is ‘closed and under offer’, so maybe not right yet, unless she’s looking to occupy it with a few bongo-wielding dreadlocked mates to turn it into an illegal rahhhhve.
**She can pretend she’s in Dubai **
Westfield is glossier than Lauren Goodger’s lips on a night out at Sugar Hut. With shops the size of aeroplane hangars, outlets that sell ice cream with all the jazzy bits and bobs that your mum never let you have when you were younger, well-placed escalators, lots of rich Arabian customers and absolutely no room for creative thought beyond what colour you want to personalise your Nike IDs, you really could saunter the halls pretending you’re in the Emirates.
**She can leave very easily **
In terms of transport, it’s very well-connected. She could hop on the Central Line and be in London’s glitzy West End in just 12 (12!) minutes, or she could take a 15-minute bus ride to the very well-heeled Notting Hill. If she wants to be super trendy, she could get a direct train to Clapham Junction and get the bus to Brixton, Peckham or other parts of London that don’t resemble a stag do-cum-art school version of Tenerife.
Follow Sophie on Twitter @sophwilkinson
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.