So, Colin Farrell popped up on Jimmy Kimmel Live this week. Ostensibly, it was to talk about his role as The Penguin in the new Batman film; Colin, though, had more on his mind than comic book villains or film premieres. Instead, he told the people what they didn’t know they wanted to hear (but definitely did) when he revealed that he is the King of Kebabs. Allow me to explain.
Apparently, there is an Irish kebab chain which the A-lister is a huge fan of. It is called Abrakebabra, which I highly recommend saying out loud. In Farrell’s words, ‘How could you forget such a name? It’s Abrakebabra. May you never forget that name.’ He likes it very very much, and it sounds like the feeling’s mutual. Until recently, he was a Gold Card holder – an honour bestowed after preaching the kebab gospel to Ireland’s national airline. ‘The good people at Abrakebabra read my interview in the Aer Lingus magazine, they gave me a gold card.’ Ah, a tale as old as time.
While Abrakebabra Gold Cards are rare – almost mythical – their existence has purportedly been confirmed in possession of a select group of initiates. Colin, then, was part of this elite cohort, but his crowning glory didn’t come until a second interview – this time on the Ellen Show – bumped him from Gold to Black.
‘I came on lovely Ellen’s show and your lovely show and basically took the fucking thing international’, said the star. ‘So I got a call from them saying that they had printed up a black card. Nobody has a black card!’ Nobody? Nobody! ‘The Pope doesn’t have a black card’, continued Farrell. And he wasn’t done there – after all, how could he stop without explaining the best bit of all?
Gather round, friends, and hear tell of the chosen one. It is said that the back of this Black Card holds one final pronouncement of Farrell’s unquestioned right to the Kebab Kingdom’s Keys: ‘Absolutely no restrictions apply to Colin Farrell.’ Absolutely none. As he said to Jimmy, with ‘the black card, I can feed the two of us. Whoever I want.’
While the potential for this to get hilarious very fast is off the scale – can Colin pronounce a kebab law? Shawarmas for every man, woman and child in Ireland? Demand delivery to his hotel room on the other side of the world? – I’m pleased to report that the ins-and-outs are ultimately not my problem. Instead, I’m tucking into the heart-warming tale of man who cannot help but sabotage all his TV appearances with Kebab Chat, in much the same way as I imagine Farrell himself diving head first into a Large Shish, Extra Onion. Long live Abrakebabra, and all hail its unlikely prophet.
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