It was annouced on Variety yesterday that the film rights to How To Build A Girl, Caitlin Moran’s debut novel has been acquired by Monumental Pictures. The project has been backed by Film4 and Caitlin is adapting the script with her pal John Niven, best-selling author of Straight White Male and Kill Your Friends. We can already imagine them together in a large drawing room, smoking cigarettes and making dirty jokes as they write – and wrestle – the film script. Alison Owen (that’s Lily’s mum, FYI), partner at Monumental Pictures has commented that they ‘want to make commercial movies and television with strong female characters’, which is something we can totally get behind. Strong female characters FTW.
We loved the book so much and were so excited about this film release (although there are no dates set yet), we couldn’t help brainstorm some ideas...
**Who’s going to play Big Al? **
After Michael Fassbender’s strong performance in Shame and from, er… what we saw down there, our minds couldn’t help but wonder what he’d be like in the Big Al scene. But then again, maybe he’s a bit old. Actually, he’s definitely too old as Big Al is a teenager in the book. Perhaps it’s more likely to be Daniel Radcliffe, as he does have a track record of getting naked on screen and could easily pass for a teenager after shaving off his beard and layering on some moisturiser. He’s also recently shot some rather rauchy sex scenes with Juno Temple, so he’s quite the veteran to movie shag scenes.
**Who’s going to play Johanna Morrigan? **
Ooh, this is a tough one. Obviously Lena Dunham springs to mind, with her full frontal nudity and masturbation scenes in Girls, but again not sure she could pass for 14. Could potentially be a great role for someone like Chloe Grace Moretz, as she’s used to cursing and we know Caitlin Moran is partial to a swear word or two. Maude Apatow (Judd’s daughter) is brilliant in This is 40, so we can imagine her in this role. But what about British actresses? Maisie Williams could be interesting. This protagonist is going to have been bolshie, brave and a bit rough round the edges. Here’s an idea: Caitlin Moran’s own daughter starring in the film!
**How are those masturbation scenes going to play out? **
Sneaky camera angles will have to the savior during the many scenes involving rampant masturbation. We’re thinking a zoom-in on the actresses face and a subtle hand under the duvet. We’re expecting this film to be a 12A rating after all, as the book is young adult. The opening scene of How To Build A Girl is as follows, ‘I am 14, I am not asleep, I am masturbating. I look at my brother, “This is what he would want. He would want me to be happy.”’ Maybe not the film to go watch with your parents, then.
READ MORE: Highly Important Life Lessons We've Learnt From Caitlin Moran 'How To Build A Girl'
**Will people compare this film to Bridget Jones? **
YES! Unfortunately that has already happened, multiple times.* *The Telegraph have branded the movie remake as getting ‘the Bridget Jones treatment’ and Debra Hayward has commented that ‘Johanna Morrigan stands alongside Elizabeth Bennet and Bridget Jones as one of the great female literary icons’. Will there ever be a time in literary history when young single women aren’t compared to Bridget Jones? Don’t answer that.
Will Caitlin Moran cameo in the film?
OMG WE HOPE SO! Our gut instinct says she’ll play Aunty Lauren. Because Aunty Lauren is ‘ace’ and ‘has a bit of a past’ including, but not limited to ‘pouring Fairy Liquid into the fountain in Queen’s Square’. She also invented ‘The Snowman’ – the usual Snowball of Advocat and lemonade, but topped up with vodka. Basically, we imagine Caitlin as the coolest aunty on the planet that will teach you new words, great boozy concoctions and some wisdom during tough adolescent times.
Will the Unexpected Twins become the new Olsen twins?
Johanna’s mum suffers with post-natal depression after giving birth to unexpected twins in the book. We think that these twins will make their mark on the world during this film and potentially grow their acting career from here. Yes they’ll just be crying and snotting everywhere, but still, this is their debut. We‘re sure they will go on to do a TV show just like the Olsens did with *Full House. *
Will any other celebrities from Wolverhampton star in the film?
The West Midlands is about to become the new Hollywood. We think that other celebrities who were either born or currently reside in Wolverhampton will club together to help out on set. This list includes singer Jamelia, performer Beverley Knight and ’90s band Babylon Zoo. There’s some fun West Midlands facts for you.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.