Some people out there are blessed with small dainty tulip noses and are lucky enough to go their whole life without realising that having a big old nose is A Very Real Thing That’s Really Fucking Annoying. You guys, I envy you guys.
Others (like me) knew from a very early age that their schnozz was not a thing of beauty. I’ve got the kind of nose that looks distinguished – if it was on Gerard Depardieu. It’s kind of like an oversize snub thing but with a big old bump in the middle if you’re looking at it from face on. It could be worse, but it’s not great.
And, while it is something I’ve always hated and spent my teenage years trying to squash down with hard pinches and crying to my mum about why she was such a cow for not getting me a nose job at age 14 (I may have been a little overdramatic, it was kind of like ‘OMG Rachel from Friends had one and what the hell is your problem, Mum why do you hate me?’) I’ve learned to (sort of) love my wonky and misshapen nose. Hell, I can (almost) even take an off-the-cuff joke about it. It is what it is. C’est la vie.
Here’s a few things you only know if you’ve got a big old beak.
How much a nose job is
It’s not cool how much time I spent researching this in my teens. While all my friends were like, ‘Oh my gosh, you guys, I can’t believe celebrities get plastic surgery,’ I was all like, ‘YEAH I KNOW’ before heading home to Google prices of rhinoplasty at some Harley Street clinic. Luckily, I’ve never been very good with money and quickly realised that my ability to save £5,000 is about 70 years off, but if I’d won the lottery then who knows? Maybe I would have gone down that route. In fact, I almost certainly would.
Off-the-cuff comments fall HARD
‘Was that directed at me?’, you think, every time someone makes a joke about big noses and accidentally shoots a glance in your direction. It’s important to laugh along though, otherwise people will KNOW you’ve got a big nose. Because they can’t like, see it on your face or anything. Also, never voice your concern about this because then it gets into a really awkward debate where your friends try to assure you that you HAVE A LOVELY NOSE NO REALLY while you die a little (a lot) inside.
Angles are everything
There’s one side of my nose that is definitely worse than the other. Although probably no-one else would ever be able to notice. I do though, which is why I only have pictures taken of me from the left side. Like I’m some a sort of bonkers celebrity or something. It’s not like I demand it, I’ll just go out of my way to turn that way when someone asks me to pose. Even if I end up facing completely the other way than everyone else in the picture.
Countouring is crap
If someone says, ‘I know this great make-up trick where you draw a straight line down the midlle of your nose with concealer and then all your lumps and bumps go away’. They don’t. I’m the first to admit that I’m not very good at all things make-up, but there is defintely no magic concealer that takes a physical bump the size of two pomegranate seeds away. If anything, you end up with more focus on your nose because you’ve got a giant white stripe down the middle. Nice one.
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Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons
Picture: Lukasz Wierzbowski
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.