Listen up all you bleached babes out there who might be considering a drastic change: DON'T DO IT. YOU WILL REGRET IT.
'Blondes definitely have more fun' - said me, to myself, after another joyless week of being a mousey inbetweeny nothingy hair colour. 'If I were still blonde, I'd probably be feeding my knickers to a rock star at the Groucho tonight rather than reading the nutritional value on my 3 for £10 Fuller for Longer M&S meal.'
I have been blonde my entire life. Born blonde, was blonde for ages, then began dying blonde the moment fading signs appeared.
Until I couldn't afford it anymore. Making rent meant rocking serious roots. And not the fashionable 'dip-dye' kind, either.
I figured out to keep my blondeness more Sharon Stone and less washed-up surfer dude, I would need to spend over £50 a month which, realistically, I didn't have. And if my mother told me my hair looked 'cheap' and that I was 'too old' for it one more time.....
So, I decided to find out what my natural hair colour was, instead. Except, it turns out I don't have a hair colour - it is so non-descript it annoys me. It is undecided hair. It is not summery and it is not fun. It is NON hair.
The only thing I actually like about it is how grossed out my boyfriend looks when I lift up my fringe and make him eyeball the considerable number of premature grey hairs lurking underneath. His expression resembles someone who has just figured out their beautiful new kitchen has an ant problem.
So basically, I'm desperate to have my blonde hair back, and the number one reason is the considerable decrease in general attention. People talk about this happening and I can tell you it is true. Being a self-confessed attention seeker, I am attuned to these things.
I am one of those girls who really doesn't mind being cat called/wolf whistled by builders. In fact I actively encourage it. And it's not because I'm nearly 30, I liked it just as much when I was 14. My route to school would be mapped depending on which road had loft conversions.
But now, walking down the street, walking into bars, I feel like Casper's little brother. Remember? From Casper the Friendly Ghost? No you probably don't. Because no one noticed he was there.
Blonde hair catches the eye. Even as a heterosexual female, I will doubletake if I pass a bright bob on the street. Our eyes are attracted to the light - so it's totes science. As a blonde receiver of the doubletake, one can just ignore the fact people are merely responding to lighter colours and instead pretend everyone fancies you and that you are the hottest thing since sizzling fajitas. Confidence boost much?
With darker hair, I feel more grown up (boring) and more subtle (boring). My mother is constantly complimenting me on looking 'put together' but I'm not in the market for any of these things. Someone even described me as wife material the other day. After I'd finished vomiting in my own mouth I decided non-blonde was false advertising. At least my bleached bonce made clear I wasn't anywhere close to ironing any man's shirt or fetching his slippers. That's what wives do right?
Senior Colourist, Matilda Davies made me feel like less of a crazy ranter: 'Girls that come in looking for a drastic change will, usually go through about six months of trying it on for size and then decide if the new colour fits their personality. People do treat you differently with different hair colours and people don't realise how far the stereotyping goes. There is definitely a carefree stereotype for blondes and a sensible one for brunettes.'
Well I've done my six months and I'm sick of it. I know it's a lot of money to spend but who can put a price on something that lifts one's mood and boosts one's lightness of being? Why mope around in a wig of misery?
Maybe by rejecting my natural hair colour I'm ignoring the message Nature is trying to send me: 'Calm down, grow up and allow people to take you seriously.' Maybe... But I didn't ignore my mother's advice for decades to start listening to Mother Earth. Now I'm off to bleach my scalp til it burns. Because it's summer and because I've cancelled my gym membership just so I can afford it. Woohooo!
Watch out for next month's article: 'Now I'm Blonde And Obese.'
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Picture: Lukasz Wierzbowski
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.