I've been vine-testing makeup for a good 18 months now, which is enough time to have had two children (I haven't) and, more importantly, compiled a fairly comprehensive makeup selection. I know which concealer works the best for under your eyes, which matte lipstick stays on the longest right through to the mascaras you can apply on a bus . As in, the mascara doesn't smudge - the bus has very little to do with it, I just really like buses.
Every time I've tested stuff out, I've nicked the best ones for myself because I'm a selfish human being - so which has stood the test of time? What wisdom can I pass on to you guys, like an old Jedi albeit one that knows a good eyeliner when she sees one?
Here are the top beauty products I've swiped, loved and continue to love years later. Some I've bought again despite their slightly upsetting price tag, which explains why I am so broke. I wouldn't advise doing this, which is why there are cheaper alternatives where appropriate (yes I stole the expensive ones and the cheap ones sue me).
The foundation: Dior Airflash (£33.50)
The cheaper foundation: L'Oreal Infallible (£9.99)
Dior Airflash sprays onto your face which a) makes everyone around you stare like you're a cosmetics robot from the future and b) gives excellent, really light coverage. If your skin gets dry it doesn't crack into your dehydration wrinkles. If your skin gets oily it doesn't feel like wet tar sitting on your face. It looks like your face-skin but way better, and that phrase has has been used before in foundation adverts. Surely. If not, please get in touch for permission and pay me £3 billion.
L'Oreal Infallible doesn't spray, but it does go on your face. And it covers pretty much everything bar your actual features (you'll still have a nose while wearing it). Still the best high street foundation I've come across despite having tried all of them several times in a bid to find something that gives as good coverage as this bad boy. Mix with highlighter to look like a Greek Goddess wearing foundation. Sadly, I've run out of my own personal stash so couldn't vine it but please take my word for it.
The lipstick: MAC Matte Lipstick (£15.50)
The cheaper lipstick: TopShop (£8)
MAC lipsticks are so bright, feel so good, stay on for a reasonable amount of time and look really, really matte (a personal fave). The moment you put them on your face, you feel like an incredibly important human that needs to be taken around in cabs a lot. The blue one is my favourite, closely followed by any of the other colours. All the colors are excellent. I love them.
TopShop lipstick often comes in white tubes - baffling, because they get really dirty instantly and look shit. On your lips, however, they look almost exactly the same as Mac, the matte stuff doesn't dry you out but really does look fully non-shiny, the colors are seriously bright, and they stay on for a while.
The long-lasting lipstick: Maybelline Superstar 24hr Bold Matte Lip Colour (£8.99)
Special mention to this piece of ass that literally does stay on for 24 hours, and while it comes with a moisturizing stick, barely needs it. Kiss proof, sex proof, cheese toastie proof, I love the tits off this and the reds are so, so bright.
The eyeliner: Collection: Extreme 24hr (£2.99)
There isn't a cheaper version than this. I've tried £20 eyeliners and none of them have come close to this one - it's so cheap everyone should go out and buy it immediately. Last for ages, minimum splodge, doesn't smudge, really easy to apply, so cheap they're basically paying you to wear it.
The concealer: MAC Pro-Longwear concealer (£17.50)and Laura Mercier Secret Camouflage (£26.50)
The cheaper concealer: Erm, sorry dudes, but I haven't found a high street concealer that remotely rivals MAC for spots and Laura Mercier for under-eye bags. They're expensive, but if you want the best then you're going to have to save those pennies/mug someone.
Mac's pro-longwear concealer is genuinely incredible. Absolutely perfect for spots, as the coverage is borderline terrifyingly good but it doesn't feel too thick and lasts for ages. Fight someone to get it.
Laura Mercier is a double concealer where you first pop some white on to get rid of the darkness, and then some skin-colored creme so it doesn't look like you have white rings around your eyes. My friends request me to bring this for special occasions. Once you try it, you will want to own it and you might dream about it.
The eyebrow kit: Anastasia DipBrow Pomade (£15)
The cheaper eyebrow kit: Soap and Glory Archery (£8)
Anastasia comes in a pot and you have to apply it with a special brush that cost £15. When I first tried it, I messed it up (see the vine), but as I got used to it, this weird pomade thing became my favorite thing in my makeup bag. I love it. Problem is, I lost the brush and so haven't been able to use it for like three months because who remembers to pick up an eyebrow brush when they're out and about? I'm too busy doing important things like eating sandwiches.
The Soap and Glory Archery pencil requires little to no skill, and there's a lot less potential for hilarious uni-brow mistakes. It's small, subtle and if you want to really up the brow ante you can just keep going. The clue is in the fact that it's more like a thin crayon: kids use crayons. If you got a toddler to do their eyebrows with this, they probs could (don't hold me to this).
The mascara: benefit RollerLash (£19.50)
The cheaper mascara: I've not found one that matches up. I'm sorry I'm just being painfully honest and #real
For mascaras, benefit wipes the floor with everyone else in my humblest of opinions. RollerLash is lengthening, volumising and comes off easily. If you keep putting more layers on, it keeps getting more dramatic so you can do a normal daytime 'what I'm not wearing any mascara what' thing, or you can go mental in the evening and knock people out with your eyelashes.
Special mention must go to benefit's They're Real which is an absolute belter of a mascara but goes from 0-knocking people out with your eyelashes in one coat. And you can't remove it with normal eye makeup remover - you have to go full baby oil.
The highlighter: High Beam by benefit (£19.50)
The cheaper highlighter: TopShop Glow (£9)
Whenever I wear High Beam, someone comments on how amazing my skin is even if I've been social smoking the previous night (mum, I don't social smoke). Once a girl on the train watched me put it on, asked me what it was, and bought it online immediately. Mix it with foundation, apply it strobe-style or just to your cheeks.
TopShop Glow is the best cheaper concealer - the only downside being that you need to be fully moisturized before applying as it can go a bit scaly. If you've slathered on the moisture and you're not incredibly hungover, this looks really amazing and glowy, hence the name. Glow. Not to be confused with JLo Glow, the popular fragrance from the 00s (so warm, so spicy, so Jennifer Lopez). Anyway, I prefer Glow mixed with foundation rather than applied over it, but it works really well when strobed and doesn't cost a bomb.
To summarise: money doesn't always get you the best quality (see: eyeliners, all the cheaper versions) but for some products (see: concealers) you genuinely get what you pay for. Also, that when I first started doing vines I had no idea about sound so you can hear people doing interviews on the phone. Awkward.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.