The words 'make-up' and 'sex' usually combine to describe one of the most beautiful things in the world – that sweet, vaguely aggressive, slightly awkward thing that comes immediately after a fight with a loved one, friend, or f*%$ buddy. And yet the actual combination of make-up – you know, the face kind, the kind you probably wear a little bit of every day – and sex can be an extreme disaster. In the throes of passion even the most perfectly applied face can go from '40s femme fatale to 'I let my little sister "play make up" on me. She's five.'
A few caveats before we get into this thorny subject. One: no man on Earth has ever cared whether or not your make-up looks rough before, during or after The Business – some even prefer it – as long as he has been aware the entire time that the aforementioned Business is on its way. Two: if you're really worried about what your make-up will look like after sex you are either not having very good sex or are at a party and in the bathroom, in which case bring your purse and reapply in the mirror as needed. (Maybe also bring the host a really nice bottle of spirits next time you're over, because, come on, you did shag in her bathroom.)
Still, regardless of the above, sometimes you just want to start an activity with the same level of facial contouring you had when you started it, no? So here are some do's and don'ts of combining make-up and sex:
Lipstick
There are few things sexier than a strong red lip. There are unfortunately few things less sexy than waking up with a smudgy, blotchy face and red smear marks all over your pillow. While one of those super long-lasting 24-hour lip colours that normally works amazingly in real life might seem like the wisest choice, they are, actually, much worse: smudge-resistant but not wear-resistant, they will wear off in odd chunks leaving you looking like your lips have scabbed over in the night. Not cute. If you know you're going to be doing the nasty, consider a sheer-coverage tinted gloss like this Revlon Just Bitten Kissable Balm Stain (£7.99) that will disappear between the two of your mouths and never be heard from again. At least, not on the pillowcase the next morning and that's what counts.
Mascara
"They go to bed with Gilda, they wake up with a hungover raccoon," you know what I mean? It goes without saying that any woman planning to engage in an Adult Sleepover should invest in some long-lasting, waterproof, smudge-proof mascara that she replaces regularly to avoid flakes. If you're doing it right there will be some under eye smudging, but lick a finger and wipe swiftly under each and you should be fine. MAC Splash Proof Mascara (£14) can help achieve this.
Foundation
The rudest thing (negative) that can happen to a carefully made-up face is to have it thrust carelessly into a pillow. And yet the rudest thing (positive) that can happen to a carefully made-up face is to be thrust carelessly into a pillow for fun rough sex reasons. The two do not merge well. A BB cream like Clinique Age Defense BB Cream (£26) or Bobbi Brown SPF 35 BB Cream (£29) will give you some of the coverage of foundation, evening out your skin tone without transferring itself to the sheets of whatever two-star hotel/open-concept co-operative living community/sheik's palace you find yourself in half-dressed. Wipe some translucent powder like Chanel (ooh) Poudre Universelle Libre Natural Finish Loose Powder (£31.50) on top for extra pigment-free staying power.
Missing pieces
I don't know about you, but there are certain aspects lacking in my face, by which I mean I have been cursed with ginger eyebrows. By which I mean they are invisible. I cannot afford to dye them every month and so I draw them on. This means in a sex situation it is possible—say in a spoon-y, sideways position where my head was resting on a sweaty man's shoulder—for just one brow to rub off, leaving me looking surprised by each thrust. There's not much I can do here and I just roll with it, but be aware that if a certain element of your face has been painted there (aggressive contouring, or a beauty mark if you're fancy), you may awake to find it has vanished in the night, like a rude one-night stand.
And for the Morning After (highlighting cover-up, brown mascara)
Carry a sneaky all-purpose highlighting cover-up like Stila All Over Highlighter (£16), a toothbrush (to be used WITHOUT toothpaste) and some sparingly-applied brown mascara – YSL Baby Doll Mascara in Brow (£24.50) has always worked for us. Sneak to the bathroom for a morning pee and run the tap while you apply a few furtive swipes of each. Then repeat the words of Our Lady Beyoncé: 'I woke up like this.' (Obviously you don't have to trick the man or woman you're in bed with into thinking you're a freak of nature with perfect skin and dewy lashes even in the very early morning. This is 2014 and also no one cares. But sometimes don't you just WANT TO?)
Happy sexing, amigos. You look great.
Photograph: Anya Kapron
Follow Monica on Twitter @monicaheisey
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.